


Missing Out on Love

by writing_in_the_dark



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Explicit Sexual Content, GerPru, Germancest, Heartbreak, Incest, M/M, One-Sided Love, Sibling Incest, prucan, relatively happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-02
Updated: 2018-09-13
Packaged: 2019-03-25 22:09:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 38,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13844037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writing_in_the_dark/pseuds/writing_in_the_dark
Summary: Gilbert never meant to start a sexual relationship with his younger brother, and he definitely didn’t mean to fall in love with him. Their incestuous relationship continues far longer than either of them intended. When Gilbert realizes he has feelings for his best friend’s cousin, will his relationship with his brother cause him to miss out on his chance for true love?





	1. Admittedly Probably Terrible Idea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick side note: The woman referred to in this chapter is a nameless, faceless OC. It’s nobody we know.

On a chilly mid-November night in suburban Berlin, a pale man with equally pale hair sits up in bed, reading. The cell phone on the nightstand next to him rings. It’s his brother calling. If he realized what time it is, he would be concerned about why his brother is calling so late, but he doesn’t think anything of it. He answers the phone cheerfully, “Hello, brother!”

There’s a pause on the other end before the caller speaks. “Hello, brother,” a man says, in a small voice, “I apologize for calling so late.”

The man in bed pulls his phone away from his ear to check the time. _11:44._ He puts the phone back to his ear and laughs. “Please, Ludwig. You know I’m never, ever asleep before midnight. So, what can your awesome night owl brother Gilbert do for you?”

There’s another pause. Hesitantly, Ludwig asks, “Do you mind if I come over?”

Gilbert is concerned, because it seems like something’s wrong, but he refrains from asking for details over the phone. “Ludwig, this is your house, too. You are welcome here any time.”

Ludwig lets out a breath of relief and says, “Thanks, brother. See you soon.”

“Just come on in. I’m reading in bed,” Gilbert tells him, knowing his brother would otherwise probably knock and wait to be allowed in, even though he has a key.

“Ok.”

Twenty minutes later, Gilbert hears the front door unlock. Soon, his brother walks into his bedroom, head hung low. He looks like a disaster. He’s sloppily dressed, in worn-out jeans and a t-shirt, and his normally-perfect hair is disheveled from having fingers run through it too many times. Gilbert sets his book on the nightstand and pats the bed, indicating for Ludwig to sit next to him. Ludwig drops his duffel bag on the floor, takes off his coat and shoes, walks over to the bed, and sits down. Gilbert can tell something is really wrong. Ludwig’s usually proud, broad shoulders are slumped, and the skin around his eyes is red, like he’s been crying.

Gilbert wants to ask what’s wrong, but his brother has been known to shut down if pushed too hard, so he patiently waits for Ludwig to speak. Ludwig’s shoulders tremble, and Gilbert puts an arm around them, to comfort his crying brother.

Ludwig stifles some sniffles and finally speaks. He says quietly, “She’s pregnant.”

Within the past year, Ludwig met a woman he swore was “the one.” He fell in love and proposed. The wedding is mere weeks away. The usually-emotionally-reserved man hasn’t shut up about how thrilled he is to be getting married and starting a family, so Gilbert knows that if he’s upset that his fiancée is pregnant, that probably means it’s not his.

“It’s not mine,” Ludwig clarifies, with a sob.

 _‘I fucking knew it! That stupid bitch. I never did trust her,’_ Gilbert manages to avoid saying out loud. Instead, he pulls his brother in closer, hugging him and stroking his hair.

“She was with someone else from the very start,” Ludwig sobs, “She told me she doesn’t love me, that she never did love me.”

Gilbert places a kiss on the top of Ludwig’s head and says softly, “I’m sorry, brother. I’m so sorry.”

For several minutes, Ludwig clutches Gilbert’s flannel pajama top and cries into his shoulder, while Gilbert’s arms surround him. Gilbert’s heart aches for his brother. Gilbert sometimes feels sorry for himself, for being almost thirty years old and having no dating prospects, but to see his brother cheated on and practically left at the altar before he’s lived a quarter-century puts that into perspective. Ludwig has never been anything but a good man, and he doesn’t deserve what he’s going through.

Finally, Ludwig’s crying calms, and he sits up. Gilbert passes him the box of tissues from the nightstand. Ludwig blows his nose and dabs away his tears. Gilbert studies Ludwig’s face, trying to read his thoughts, hoping to find what would be the best thing to say, to comfort him. _He probably thinks he’s unloved, after that bitch said those things to him,_ he thinks.

Gilbert reaches over, brushing some stray hairs from Ludwig’s face. “Hey,” he says, getting Ludwig to look at him, “I love you.”

Ludwig furrows his brow, and that’s confirmation to Gilbert that Ludwig is having a hard time accepting the idea that he’s loved, even by his own brother.

Gilbert shifts so that he’s sitting with his legs folded under him, so he can look his brother straight-on. He puts his hands on either side of Ludwig’s face and says, “You know that you are loved, right? I love you. Your friends love you. _She’s_ the one who’s wrong. If she doesn’t love you, that’s all on her.”

Ludwig casts his eyes to the side and says, “That’s not how it feels right now.”

“I know. I understand,” Gilbert says sympathetically, “I will say it as many times as I need to.” He reaches forward and kisses Ludwig’s forehead. “I love you.” He kisses one temple, and then the other, punctuating each kiss with an “I love you.” He feels Ludwig start to relax a little, so he continues, kissing both cheeks, each accompanied by an “I love you.”

Gilbert kisses Ludwig on the corner of the mouth and rests their foreheads together. With his lips still just above his brother’s skin, he says, “I love you.”

Ludwig puts his arms around Gilbert, closes his eyes, and moves his head so that their lips are just barely brushing. He’s grateful to have such a loving older brother, but he’s also feeling a little bit selfish, having just had his heart broken, so he allows himself the indulgence of having warm and surprisingly soft lips against his own.

Gilbert is not sure what to make of the situation, so he doesn’t move, not even a hair’s breadth. His mind races:  _Does he…Does he want me to kiss him? On the lips? Because…well, if that’s what he wants, I’ll do it, but if it’s not what he wants and I do it…I don’t know what will happen, but it won’t be good. Fuck, fuck, fuck, what do I do?! … Aaaahhhh, fuck it. I will beg for forgiveness, if need be. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve done that._

He closes the scant distance between their lips and braces himself for his brother to react negatively. Instead, Ludwig tightens his arms around Gilbert, pulling them closer together. For the first second or so, the kiss could almost pass for a platonic or familial kiss on the lips, but it lingers a few seconds too long to stay that way.

Gilbert pulls away from the kiss, just far enough to get a look at Ludwig’s face, so he can try to gauge if continuing the kiss is really what Ludwig wants. Ludwig opens his eyes, and they silently make eye contact. Gilbert moves his face closer and sees Ludwig’s eyes close again. He feels no resistance, so he places a slightly open-mouthed kiss on his brother’s waiting lips. He gently draws Ludwig’s bottom lip in between his own lips, which elicits a barely-audible moan of an exhale from Ludwig.

Releasing Ludwig’s bottom lip, Gilbert reaches the tip of his tongue out, just far enough to lightly touch Ludwig’s lips. Ludwig responds by opening his mouth slightly, but instead of reaching his tongue farther, Gilbert retracts his tongue and waits for Ludwig to make a move. Ludwig hesitates for a moment, but then he reaches his tongue out.

In turn, this is met with a moment’s hesitation on Gilbert’s part, as he can’t help but think if he puts his tongue in his little brother’s mouth, there’s no taking that back. A kiss on the lips is one thing, but this will take things to a whole other level. _If this is the wrong thing for me to do, please forgive me, brother,_ Gilbert thinks. He reaches his tongue out, and it meets Ludwig’s. At first, they move slowly, tongues gently caressing one another, but soon, the kiss deepens.

Ludwig has never kissed a man before, but he doesn’t find it at all unpleasant. He notes that there’s no mistaking that he’s kissing a man and not a woman; his brother doesn’t smell like a woman, and his face has too much stubble for it to be mistaken for a woman’s; but the kiss is loving, and it’s helping Ludwig believe Gilbert’s words about him being loved.

The kiss continues for several minutes, having become rather passionate, until it is broken by Ludwig. As Ludwig tries to catch his breath, Gilbert worries Ludwig is regretting the kiss. With concern in his voice, he asks his younger brother, “Are you ok?”

Ludwig looks at the obvious bulge in his own pants and involuntarily turns beet red. Hoping to keep the issue from coming to Gilbert’s attention, he looks Gilbert in the face and nods his head fervently. To Ludwig’s horror, his brother had noticed the direction his eyes looked before he turned red. Gilbert looks down and sees what Ludwig hoped he wouldn’t. When Gilbert looks at him again, Ludwig’s eyes go wide, and he stammers, “I-I’m sorry…”

Gilbert sits upright on his folded legs, to give Ludwig some space. He shakes his head and says reassuringly, “Don’t be.” He chews on his bottom lip for a moment, thinking over an admittedly-probably-terrible idea that’s crossed his mind. He isn’t really thinking about what’s ‘smart’ or ‘proper’ to do. He just wants to do whatever he can to make his brother feel better after having his heart trampled on by a horrible woman. He once again decides he can always ask for forgiveness later. He gestures with his head toward the source of Ludwig’s embarrassment and says quietly, “I could…if you want…”

Gilbert is tempted to scream, to fill the silence that follows his offer. He suspects he has only embarrassed his brother further, which had not been his intention.

Ludwig thinks this might not be a great idea, but, if he’s honest, he’s still feeling selfish. He wants to feel good. He desperately needs someone to make him forget how much his heart hurts. He nods.

Almost in slow motion, so Ludwig has a chance to stop him if he changes his mind, Gilbert reaches for the button on Ludwig’s jeans. Ludwig leans his head back against the headboard and closes his eyes, and Gilbert undoes the button. Before he goes for the zipper, Gilbert looks up at Ludwig’s face again, still waiting for a last-minute objection. He notices Ludwig’s pink lips, swollen from kissing, and feels a stirring in his own groin. He mentally chases away the feelings of guilt that come with being sexually aroused by his little brother and lowers the zipper. He's almost disappointed when Ludwig tacitly gives his consent by lifting his hips. He gingerly pulls his brother's boxers and jeans down to his mid-thighs.

Gilbert swallows hard, ignores all the parts of his mind that are screaming for him to stop, and commits to the mistake he’s sure he’s making. Tentatively, he reaches out his hand, brushing the head with his fingertips, which causes Ludwig to draw in a sharp breath. Gilbert looks up at Ludwig’s face. Ludwig’s eyes are still closed, and he has a hand over his mouth, to keep any further embarrassing noises from escaping.

“Are you still ok?” Gilbert asks quietly.

All the more response Ludwig can muster is to nod, eyes still shut and hand still covering his mouth.

Gilbert wraps his hand around Ludwig and gives the length a couple of slow, gentle strokes, and Ludwig moans into his own hand. Gilbert tries to focus his mind on the goal of helping his brother feel good on what might be the worst day of his adult life. He does one final stroke down the length, resting his hand at the base, and then he closes his eyes, leans forward, and brings his mouth down the length, taking in everything from the tip to the base.

Ludwig draws in a sharp breath, and his eyes pop wide open in shock. He clamps the hand on his mouth down harder, in an attempt to keep silent. He raises his head and looks down at his brother, watching with uneasy fascination as the man works him with his hands and mouth, with undeniable yet terrifying skill. When Gilbert made his offer, Ludwig had assumed they were only talking about using hands, but in retrospect, it seems obvious that Gilbert was talking about using his mouth.

Prior to this evening, Ludwig had never even kissed a man before, much less let a man do this kind of thing to him. He tries to calm his mind by telling himself that Gilbert has probably done this for dozens if not hundreds of guys. It’s probably not a big deal to him. He leans his head back again, closes his eyes, and tries to concentrate on how good this is making him feel.

Before long, Ludwig is a moaning mess, and he’s involuntarily thrusting his hips up toward his brother’s face. He feels like he's about to cum, so he tries to give some warning. “G-Gil…”

Gilbert ignores the verbal warning, continuing to bob at a reckless pace, so Ludwig reaches down, trying to push him away before he cums in his mouth, but his hand is swatted away by Gilbert’s. Ludwig shoots his seed into Gilbert’s mouth with loud moans. The pleasure of Ludwig’s orgasm is nullified by how much it sickens him to watch his brother swallow his cum.

With his usual self-satisfied smirk at having just made someone cum, Gilbert wipes his mouth with the back of his hand and looks at Ludwig. The smirk immediately drops when he notices the horror on Ludwig’s face.

 _Oh, no. What have I done? … I took it too far … I should have known I was taking it too far,_ Gilbert thinks. He stands up from the bed and grabs his cell phone. With his back to Ludwig, he says, “I’m sorry. Stay here. I’ll sleep somewhere else.”

Gilbert starts to walk out of the bedroom, but Ludwig reaches out toward him and says in a pained tone, “Wait…”

Gilbert stops walking but doesn’t turn around.

Ludwig puts his boxers and jeans in order as he continues, “I’m the one who’s sorry. I just didn’t… I wasn’t… You didn’t do anything wrong.”

After a moment, Gilbert turns around and says through gritted teeth, with anger directed at no one but himself, “The fuck I didn’t.”

“No, you didn’t, though,” Ludwig tries to reassure him, “I just didn’t know you were going to…do that…but it’s ok. I wasn’t expecting… We didn’t…I didn’t do a good job of communicating. Please…please, don’t leave.”

Gilbert feels like he’s going to fall apart and start crying in front of his brother, which he’s not willing to do. He blinks back tears and says, “Just…give me a few minutes.” Gilbert goes into the adjoining bathroom and closes the door. He’s sickened by what he did to his brother. He splashes some cold water on his face. A few tears join the water that runs down the sink drain. He towels off and steels himself to face his brother. He refuses to cry in front of Ludwig. Ludwig is the one who had his heart broken. Nobody but Ludwig deserves to be crying right now.

When Gilbert comes back out to the bedroom, Ludwig is sitting on the edge of the bed, waiting for him. Trying to act cool and not like he’s on the verge of crying, Gilbert looks down at the carpet and says, “I’m really sorry. I fucked up. Please, forgive me, brother.”

Ludwig shakes his head and says, “There’s no need. You did nothing that needs forgiving. Forgive me?”

Gilbert looks up at Ludwig, gives a small smile, and says, “No need.”

Ludwig asks, “Will you sleep here, with me? I really don’t want to be alone tonight. I promise not to do anything weird.”

Gilbert allows himself to chuckle at that, and Ludwig joins him, chuckling softly. Gilbert nods and says, “Ok. I won’t do anything weird either. Well,” he corrects himself in a self-deprecating tone, “I won’t do anything _else_ weird.”

They both smile and sigh with relief as the tension in the room seems to dissipate.

Ludwig changes into the pair of pajamas he brought with him. He turns off the light and joins Gilbert, who has already gotten under the covers.

“Goodnight, brother,” Ludwig says.

“Goodnight, Ludwig,” Gilbert responds.

Ludwig is exhausted from having been dumped by his cheating fiancée. Despite tonight’s misstep, he feels a little better, now that he’s with his big brother. He rolls over, closes his eyes, and almost immediately falls fast asleep.

Gilbert listens to Ludwig’s breathing. As soon as he’s sure the younger man is asleep, tears stream down his face. He would swear he has never thought of his brother in a sexual way before, but no one would ever believe that, if they knew what he did tonight. He fears his actions have cost him the pure relationship he used to have with his brother. He fears Ludwig will hate him tomorrow. He cries himself to a fitful night’s sleep.


	2. Unhealthy Coping Mechanism

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gilbert deals with the aftermath of having crossed a line with his brother. Ludwig deals with more anxiety related to his ex-fiancée.

The day after ‘making out’ and ‘oral sex’ get added to the list of things Gilbert and Ludwig have done together, they go about their day like it didn’t happen.

Gilbert takes the day off of work, to stay home with Ludwig, who is unable to focus on anything other than having been betrayed by his ex-fiancée. Gilbert makes his brother breakfast, lunch and dinner. He provides Ludwig a shoulder to cry on. Against Ludwig’s protests of it being too much to ask of his big brother, Gilbert takes on the responsibility of cancelling the reception hall, florist, and everything else Ludwig had reserved for his wedding. When Ludwig goes to bed, Gilbert is there with him, which helps Ludwig feel a little bit less like he’s completely alone.

As days and weeks and months pass, what happened that night never comes up for discussion.

On the rare occasions when it crosses Ludwig’s mind, his only regret is that he overreacted and upset Gilbert; but they had assured each other nothing happened that needed forgiving, so he doesn’t dwell on it. He assumes Gilbert thinks about that night as infrequently as he does.

Most of the time, Ludwig’s thoughts are consumed with his lost love. She was his whole life, and he never meant a thing to her. Being cheated on so brazenly and dumped so cheaply robbed him of his self-confidence. He resigns himself to living out his life alone.

Gilbert, on the other hand, frequently thinks about what happened that night. He wishes he could keep his mind off it, because his thoughts and feelings are a conflicting jumble.

Gilbert’s rational mind knows what he did was wrong. A good older brother doesn’t put his tongue in his younger brother’s mouth, and he definitely doesn’t perform sex acts on him, even if the younger brother gives his consent. Gilbert's motives were good, but he doesn't use that to excuse what he did. He may have intended to show Ludwig that he loves him and to distract him from his heartbreak, but he clearly didn’t think things through well enough before he acted. He didn’t realize he was doing anything wrong until he saw the look of hurt and disgust on Ludwig’s face, at which point it was too late to do the right thing. He’s still sickened that he did something he should have known Ludwig didn’t really want.

The guilty feelings make sense to Gilbert; the other, contradicting feelings floating around in his mind don’t. In honesty, the kiss didn’t _feel_ wrong. The kiss felt wonderful. It was a perfect expression of Gilbert’s love for Ludwig. Even more mind-boggling, before things took a bad turn toward the end, giving Ludwig head didn’t _feel_ wrong. Gilbert loved being able to make Ludwig feel good. The fact that he feels anything other than regret about what he did makes him feel ashamed and confused.

There’s no way Gilbert will ever initiate a kiss or anything sexual with Ludwig again, but he knows he wouldn’t stop it if Ludwig did. He feels like he’s losing his mind, because he can’t reconcile his irrational but honest feelings with his rational thoughts.

\--------------------

For weeks, Gilbert is unable to make any sense of his feelings about that night. Then, one day, while he’s supposed to be working from home, he catches himself daydreaming about what things would be like if he and Ludwig weren’t brothers. He thinks about what it would be like if they could be together, as a couple, without the average person finding it physically revolting.

When he realizes what he’s thinking about, he shakes his head, as if attempting to literally shake the daydream from his mind. A wave of nausea hits him, and he covers his mouth with a hand. His feelings about that night suddenly make sense; he has feelings for his brother that are far beyond anything he ever imagined. He drops his hand from his mouth and, before he even realizes what he’s saying, he says out loud, “Oh, fuck. I think I’m in love with my brother.”

Thankfully, he’s at home alone, so no one hears his confession. With realization of the truth, he’s tempted to violently and repeatedly bash his head against the nearest hard surface, but instead, he cries. He cradles his face in his hands and cries and cries and cries. He always thought he was a pretty awesome older brother, but now he feels like a complete failure. If his parents were still alive, they would be devastated to find out what kind of person their eldest has turned into.

He has no idea what to do about his newly-revealed feelings. The first thing he does is take a shot of cheap brandy. That calms him enough to where he can think the situation through logically. He concludes that all he can do about his feelings is make sure neither Ludwig nor anyone else ever finds out about them.

Gilbert doesn’t want Ludwig to notice anything is amiss, so before Ludwig gets home from work, he repeats to himself in his head, _‘Act normal. Act normal. Act normal.’_ When his brother gets home, acting normal is a struggle. He can’t look at Ludwig without being forced to admit to himself that the way he sees him has changed.

When Ludwig asks Gilbert what he would like to eat for dinner, the nausea Gilbert felt earlier kicks in again. He has no confidence he can sit directly across the dinner table from Ludwig without it becoming obvious to Ludwig that something is wrong. He quickly thinks up a lie, to give himself an excuse to get some distance from Ludwig for the evening. “Actually, I have to get going. I have plans to go out with a workmate.”

Gilbert spends the evening at a bar, by himself, drowning his incestuous feelings in liquor. The idea that Ludwig might ever figure out how he feels stresses him out. He feels like it would be easier to keep his secret if there was more physical distance between them, but not only do they live together, they also sleep in the same bed. He considers asking if they can sleep separately, except those have been the sleeping arrangements for a couple months already. If he were to ask now, he fears it would either hurt Ludwig’s feelings or alert him that something has changed.

The stress is enough that Gilbert stops and buys a pack of cigarettes and a lighter, and he smokes a couple of cigarettes before going home. Even though he quit smoking a few years ago, and it seems stupid to start again, he figures if he can’t come up with some healthy coping mechanisms, having an unhealthy coping mechanism is better than having no coping mechanisms at all. As long as he doesn’t smoke at home, hopefully Ludwig won’t even notice he has started again.

When Gilbert gets home, Ludwig is already asleep. Gilbert takes a shower, to get the cigarette smoke smell off of him, and gets in bed with his brother. He lies awake, continuing to think, and he circles back around to the conclusion that all he can do about his feelings for Ludwig is hide them.

\--------------------

As the weeks pass, Gilbert gets increasingly stressed out about the feelings he’s harboring for his brother.

Gilbert thinks he’s doing a good job of keeping Ludwig in the dark about his stress, but Ludwig isn’t stupid. He knows Gilbert is not eating enough, because he’s visibly losing weight. Gilbert isn’t sleeping well, which is apparent to Ludwig, given that they share a bed. Ludwig knows Gilbert quit smoking years ago, but now he frequently smells like cigarette smoke. Because Gilbert’s behavior change didn’t happen until months later, it doesn’t occur to Ludwig that what happened between them that night might be related to Gilbert’s stress.

During dinner one night, Ludwig tries indirectly asking Gilbert about his stress level. “Have you started smoking again, brother?”

Gilbert’s eyes briefly go wide at the question. He hadn’t expected to get caught so soon. He doesn’t think he can get away with an outright lie, but he tries to brush it off by saying, “Oh, yeah. Work has me stressed out lately, and I started again when I went out drinking with a workmate one night. After I get through busy season at work, I’ll quit again.”

Ludwig doesn’t buy into Gilbert’s lie. “I see… You know you can talk to me about anything, right?”

_No, I can’t talk to you about this, dearest Ludwig_ , Gilbert thinks. He puts on a large smile and says, “Of course. But, really, it’s just because of work. It will pass soon enough.”

Ludwig doesn’t believe Gilbert, but he doesn’t think it will do any good to push further. He nods and plays along. “That’s good. Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.”

\--------------------

A couple months later, Ludwig is still concerned about his brother. He would love to help him, but he has no idea how to. Plus, Ludwig is dealing with stress of his own. When he’s at work, he’s able to keep his mind otherwise occupied, but when he’s at home, and particularly if he’s alone, he dwells almost obsessively on the negative. One evening after work, before Gilbert gets home, he paces back and forth across the kitchen floor and thinks about the most recent addition to his list of problems.

When Gilbert found out Ludwig had simply taken his ex-fiancée at her word when she said the baby she’s carrying isn’t his, he insisted that Ludwig confront her about it. Gilbert pointed out that she has proven herself untrustworthy, and that he will regret it if he doesn’t find out for sure.

Fortunately, she agreed to DNA testing, but she’s only in her second trimester, and he’s not sure when he will find out if he’s the father. And once that happens, he’s not sure what he wants the answer to be. He has always wanted children, but he had never pictured raising a child with someone who wants nothing to do with him. He feels more stressed out than he ever has in his entire life.

When Gilbert gets home and walks into the kitchen, Ludwig is grateful for the distraction. After greeting each other, Ludwig asks, “Are you all right with reheating last night’s leftovers for dinner?”

Gilbert smiles, shrugs, and says, “That’s fine. I’m not all that hungry. I just want a beer.”

Ludwig retrieves a bottle of beer from the refrigerator, pops the cap, and walks the bottle over to Gilbert, who is leaning back against the kitchen countertop. For reasons that are beyond even Ludwig’s grasp, instead of handing over the beer bottle, he reaches past Gilbert and sets the bottle down on the counter behind him. He places his hands on the counter, on either side of Gilbert, effectively trapping his brother against the cabinets.

Gilbert suspects he knows what’s about to happen, but he plays dumb. He smirks and asks, “What are you doing, Lud?”

Rather than answer verbally, Ludwig brings his lips down on Gilbert’s.

Half of Gilbert’s mind is screaming for him to stop what’s happening. It vividly recalls the guilt he felt following the last and only other time this happened, and it wants desperately to keep the feeling from reoccurring.

The other half of Gilbert’s mind is attempting to scream even louder than the first half. It’s telling him that kissing Ludwig back is the right thing to do. It reminds him of his precarious situation. It reasons that if he refuses Ludwig’s affection now, there’s a chance he will never receive it again, in any form; When you’re in love with your brother, you have to take what you can get.

Gilbert heeds the latter. He brings his hands up and caresses Ludwig’s face, which gives Ludwig the permission he’s seeking. He puts his hands around Gilbert’s back and dips his tongue into Gilbert’s mouth. Unlike the first time they kissed, which started out slow and cautious, this kiss immediately turns wet and passionate.

Ludwig presses his body against Gilbert’s, and no longer is any part of his mind on his ex-fiancée or the baby. All he feels is the pleasure of sharing a kiss with someone he trusts.

At the same time, the part of Gilbert’s mind that had been screaming about avoiding guilt has become so quiet and distant, it’s easy to ignore. All he feels is positive attention from the man he loves. He’s aware this doesn’t mean the same thing to Ludwig as it does to him, but he still soaks the affection up like a sponge.

Their hands are more active than last time. Gilbert puts a hand on Ludwig’s back and notes that Ludwig must not ever skip back day when he does his strength training. His back and shoulder muscles are so impressive, he imagines if he were to suddenly sprout wings, he could easily take off in flight.

Ludwig puts his hands on Gilbert’s waist and can feel how slender it has become. He feels guilty, because Gilbert has done so much to take care of him since the breakup, but he has done nothing to help his brother in return. He vows to take better care of Gilbert going forward. He will make sure he eats properly. Maybe he can even get him to quit smoking.

For now, Ludwig focuses on making Gilbert feel good. He wonders if he’s capable of doing for Gilbert what Gilbert did for him a few months ago. He figures if anyone is the right person to be his first, it’s someone who loves him unconditionally and will still love him, even if he’s terrible at doing it with his mouth. He breaks the kiss, and with a quiet breath across Gilbert’s lips, he asks, “Can I?”

Gilbert assumes Ludwig is referring to sucking him off, and the notion brings renewed feelings of guilt. The battle in Gilbert’s mind is back at full volume, with one side telling him no human or deity will ever forgive him if he uses his little brother to get off, while the other side tells him it’s too late; the damage to his credibility as a decent person is already done.

Before Gilbert has a chance to respond, Ludwig kisses his lips again and adds, in a cruelly sweet voice, “Please?”

Gilbert never was able to say no to his little brother, and since he has fallen in love with him, he stands no chance. The single thread his remaining self-control was dangling from snaps, and he answers Ludwig’s question by resuming the kiss.

Ludwig puts the palm of his hand on the growing hardness at the front of Gilbert’s pants and is pleased when this is met with his brother moaning into his mouth. Ludwig strokes Gilbert through his pants for a while, and then he attempts to undress Gilbert’s lower half. He gets the belt unbuckled, but Gilbert is wearing dress pants, with two clasps, a button, and a zipper, and Ludwig is struggling with the complexity. Ludwig breaks the kiss and, blushing at his own awkwardness, says bashfully, “Can I get some help, please?”

With no little embarrassment, which he does his best to hide, Gilbert drops his pants but hesitates to take his boxers off. Ludwig reaches out with tentative hands, and slowly slides them down Gilbert’s hips. The boxers drop, joining his pants around his ankles, and Gilbert’s embarrassment reaches unprecedented heights. He wonders if he can will himself to die where he stands, if he wishes for it really, really hard.

Ludwig gives Gilbert a sincere smile before going down on his knees. Gilbert finds the juxtaposition disconcerting, at best. Ludwig reaches out a hand and gently grasps Gilbert’s erection, and Gilbert now completely understands why Ludwig kept his eyes closed that night. He does the same.

Ludwig strokes Gilbert, anxiously looking up at him, to make sure he’s enjoying the touch, which he seems to be. Ludwig is nervous to use his mouth, but he genuinely wants to make Gilbert feel good. Anything he knows about giving blow jobs has been learned from being on the receiving end, and in hindsight, he wishes he had paid more attention to the techniques various women used on him over the years. Haltingly, he brings his face forward.

He starts by dragging the tip of his tongue up the channel on the bottom of the head. He’s relieved to find that it doesn’t taste bad, and the skin is so soft, it actually feels pleasant on his tongue. Even better, the lick gets a quiet whimper out of Gilbert, so he continues to lick, up the prominent vein, around the head, and swirling around the length. Each lick prompts a pleased noise and noticeable shudder from Gilbert.

After a minute of licking, Ludwig gathers the courage to take the length into his mouth. He knows from painful personal experience to be mindful of his teeth, so he does his best to be all lips, tongue and throat.

Gilbert is distressed to find himself in heaven. He assumed his heterosexual little brother would be terrible at this, but he’s not. He braces himself against the edge of the countertop behind him, to abate any errant hip movement. He tilts his head back, closed eyes toward the ceiling, and puts his bottom lip in a vice grip between his teeth, to keep as quiet as possible.

Gilbert knows he won’t last long. At first, he tries to hold back, but after further thought, he wonders if it would be preferable to climax quickly and get this mortifying situation over with. The decision is made for him, once Ludwig gets the hang of using his mouth and his hands at the same time. Gilbert’s teeth attempt to keep their grip on his bottom lip, but they lose the battle halfway through as he cums. His muffled moan turns into an audible “A-Ahhh!!”

Gilbert can tell the entire load went in his brother’s mouth, and now he has all the sympathy in the world for the horrified look on his brother’s face when the situation was reversed. He keeps his eyes squeezed shut, because he does not want the image of what his brother’s face must look like right now blazed into his memory.

Ludwig is relieved that using his mouth wasn’t as difficult as he thought it would be. Even swallowing isn’t so bad. It doesn’t taste great, but he hadn’t expected that it would. He’s just glad he was able to make Gilbert feel good.

Ludwig stands up, and suddenly, all the stress from worrying about the paternity of his ex’s child catches up with him. He hates being needy, but he really needs Gilbert’s comfort. He waits a while for Gilbert to open his eyes, but when he doesn’t, Ludwig reaches out and touches his arm. 

Gilbert opens his eyes and sees Ludwig standing in front of him, looking like he’s about to cry. Instinctively, Gilbert reaches out, putting his hand on Ludwig’s shoulder.

At this, Ludwig falls apart. All the anxiety he has been holding in spills out. He collapses against Gilbert, burying his face in the crook of Gilbert’s neck, and starts sobbing. Gilbert panics, thinking Ludwig is upset about what just happened, until Ludwig mumbles through his sobs, “What do I do if the baby is mine? I’m not ready to be a single dad.”

Gilbert lets out a breath of relief that he’s not the cause of Ludwig’s tears. He gently pushes Ludwig away and says, “Give me a second. Just let me…” He motions his head toward the rumpled clothes at his feet.

Ludwig lets go of Gilbert, and Gilbert bends down, pulls his boxers and pants up, does the minimum amount of fastening needed to keep the pants from falling down, and takes Ludwig back into his arms. As Ludwig’s tears soak into Gilbert’s skin, Gilbert fails to think of any comforting words, so he keeps silent, stroking Ludwig’s back consolingly.

After several minutes, Ludwig stands up straight and wipes the tears from his face. Ludwig looks exhausted and miserable, and Gilbert knows better than to think what they just did is to blame. Ludwig is anxious about something much more important and potentially life-changing.

Gilbert feels guilty that he was too wrapped up in his own stress to notice Ludwig’s state of mind. At a time when he should have been taking care of Ludwig, he was letting his little brother suck him off. He will give himself a mental beatdown for his failures as a big brother later, but for now, he sets aside his guilt, so he can take care of his brother, like he should have done in the first place. He gives Ludwig a sideways smile and says, “Sit down. I’ll heat up dinner.”

Ludwig tries to smile back, but his eyes still look sad. “Thanks, brother.”


	3. Logical Next Step

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ludwig gets the news he’s been waiting for. The brothers cross another line.

Gilbert had been completely unprepared for a second sexual encounter with Ludwig. He was caught off-guard by Ludwig’s kiss, and he never would have guessed there would come a day when his little brother would offer to perform oral sex on him.

Even though Ludwig initiated it, Gilbert blames himself. He did nothing to stop it. He returned the kiss, and he got off on his brother’s touch. Even more damning, Ludwig would never have thought to turn to his brother for physical comfort if Gilbert hadn’t initiated something sexual between them first.

Gilbert would be wallowing in guilt, except that when he thinks about what happened, all he can feel is pain. It hurts like a fucking bitch to have shared a physical connection with the person he’s in love with, knowing full well his feelings are one-sided. The memory of kissing, their bodies pressed together, taunts him, reminding him that Ludwig’s kisses and touches are nothing more than stress relief for Ludwig.

Attempting to analyze and work through his feelings for Ludwig causes Gilbert more anxiety than he feels he can handle, so he instead pours all his energy into fighting them. It’s a losing battle, because being in love can’t be willed away, but he thinks it’s better than surrendering to his inappropriate feelings.

Ludwig is too preoccupied to give anything that happened between him and Gilbert any thought. Even if Ludwig had the emotional bandwidth to spare, he might not understand his own actions.

Gilbert thinks he knows why Ludwig did what he did. He’s worried about whether his unfaithful ex-fiancée is carrying his child, and he’s in desperate need of something to distract him from obsessing over things that are out of his control.

Gilbert knows Ludwig’s stress level is unlikely to get better any time soon, at least not for the next few months, while he waits to find out the paternity of the child. Given that, it’s possible Ludwig will initiate something again. Gilbert would like to vow that he will stop Ludwig if he does, but he knows he’s weak when it comes to his little brother.

\--------------------

Gilbert is not surprised when Ludwig kisses him again a couple weeks later. The minute Ludwig gets home from work, it’s obvious he is being consumed by his own thoughts. As Gilbert goes down on his knees, he tells himself he’s only doing this to help Ludwig get through a difficult situation.

\--------------------

Over the next few months, Ludwig initiates something physical regularly, typically once every couple weeks. Gilbert can tell with near-perfect accuracy when it’s going to happen, just based on the mood his brother is projecting.

More lines get crossed. One time, they grind their clothed erections against each other while sharing deep kisses. The next time, they aren’t clothed as they grind. The time after that, Gilbert’s better judgment has been ignored one time too many. It doesn’t even attempt to stop him from breathing the words _“Fingers. Inside.”_ into his brother’s ear. Ludwig obliges, glad to have been shown another way to make Gilbert moan.

Gilbert is afraid if he thinks about it very hard, he’ll have to admit that what they’ve been doing has only one logical next step, so he tries not to think about it.

Indulging in physical pleasure with the object of his unrequited love hurts every time Gilbert does it, but he never finds the strength to stop it.

Ludwig is oblivious to Gilbert’s feelings for him. All he knows is that what he and Gilbert do together makes them feel good.

\--------------------

The day finally arrives when Ludwig finds out the results of the paternity test. He’s so anxious, he can’t eat. He feels like he’s going to vomit.

The test results show he is not the father. At first, all he feels is relief. He’s relieved, just to have a solid answer, to no longer be held in suspense. Also, while he wants children, he didn’t like the idea of his child growing up never knowing what it’s like to have parents who love each other. And it’s a relief to know that he now has no reason to ever see or speak to his ex-fiancée again. He can let go of her completely and move forward with his life.

Gilbert is thrilled with the results, but he keeps his celebration internal, for Ludwig’s sake. He knows Ludwig has always dreamed of having children, but he didn’t think that dream was worth Ludwig being forever shackled to his ex.

Gilbert had been prepared for Ludwig to be upset by the results, but he seems strangely calm; serene, even. Gilbert suspects Ludwig is internalizing his feelings, as usual. He sticks by Ludwig’s side for the rest of the day but is never called on for comfort, physical or otherwise. That night, they go to bed and sleep, and the next day, they get up and go to work, like normal.

However, the first thing Ludwig does when he gets home from work the next day is find Gilbert and shove his tongue down his throat.

Gilbert is certain Ludwig is troubled by the results of the paternity test, and understandably so. He breaks away from the kiss and says, “Wait, brother. Are you upset about yesterday?”

“No,” Ludwig answers, in a lusty growl, before joining their tongues again.

Gilbert pushes away and pleads, “Stop. Just talk to me.”

“No,” Ludwig repeats, in a desperate voice, “I don’t want to talk right now.”

Before Ludwig has a chance to take over his brother’s mouth again, Gilbert sternly lays out his conditions for continuing. “Tomorrow, then. Promise you’ll talk to me about it tomorrow.”

“Fine,” Ludwig relents, emotional pain thinly-veiled behind his eyes, before pulling Gilbert’s body close and kissing him deeply.

Ludwig is ravenous. Gilbert feels like his mouth is being devoured. He feels a twinge of guilt at how his body has learned to react to Ludwig’s touch. A few moments ago, he was concerned for his brother’s emotional state, but now all he feels is his body begging for more.

Ludwig wants more too, so he removes Gilbert’s shirt, which prompts Gilbert to do the same for Ludwig. The rest of their clothing soon joins the shirts on the living room floor.

When their bare bodies come together, Ludwig slows the pace and turns the focus to pleasing Gilbert. He grasps Gilbert and strokes. Gilbert’s tongue goes lax against his, and he starts moaning breathily into Ludwig’s mouth.

Ludwig takes his unoccupied hand down Gilbert’s back, grasping the flesh of his buttcheek, his fingertips stretching the skin around Gilbert’s entrance. Gilbert breaks the kiss and nods in reply to the unspoken request for permission.

Ludwig takes two fingers into his mouth, wetting them with saliva, then wraps both arms around Gilbert's back. Slowly, but with much less trepidation than the first time he did this, he pushes the wet fingers through the tight ring of muscle. Each time he puts his fingers inside Gilbert, Ludwig is amazed by the sensation. It’s so warm, it’s almost hot, and he likes the way the interior muscles respond to his touch.

Ludwig moves his fingers in and out, as well as he can from this angle, and Gilbert reaches between their bodies to stroke Ludwig. They tangle their free arms around the backs of each other’s necks, and they kiss until their breathing becomes too heavy for it.

Ludwig is famished for more physical contact. He knows what he wants, but they would be crossing a big line, so he won’t act without permission. He licks and nips at Gilbert’s ear and asks quietly, “Can I?”

 _There’s that question again,_ Gilbert thinks to himself, recalling that Ludwig asked the same question before sucking him off a few months ago. He’s disappointed he allowed them to get to the point where it makes any sense for his brother to be requesting sex from him. He knows that if he lets this happen once, it might happen again and again, but he also knows he is too weak to refuse Ludwig.

Gilbert is tempted to respond, _'Dammit, Ludwig. Never in your entire life have I said no to you. What makes you think there’s a chance I’ll start now?'_ Instead, he answers Ludwig’s question by holding out a hand. Ludwig takes the hand, and Gilbert leads them down the hallway, to their bedroom.

As they walk down the hallway, most of Gilbert’s mind is screaming for him to stop immediately. The dissenting part of his mind, the part that never says no to Ludwig, prompts him to ignore the deafening shouts about how much he’s going to regret what he’s about to do.

He hates himself for not having the fortitude to say no to Ludwig. He worries this might be the worst possible thing he could do for his brother. He hopes to God that’s not the case, because there’s no taking it back once it’s done.

When they get to the bedroom, Gilbert grabs the bottle of lube and a condom from his nightstand. He’s so certain he’s making a mistake, his hands are shaking.

Gilbert quickly throws together a plan for meeting his conflicting objectives of getting this over with as quickly as possible, avoiding feeling like his body is being split in half, avoiding seeing what his brother’s face looks like during sex, and making sure this feels good for Ludwig, as it’s all for naught if it doesn’t. He can’t think of any way to get things started that won’t feel awkward, so he plans to hand the lube and condom to Ludwig, without speaking or making eye contact, then turn around and bend over.

Ludwig is glad to see they will be using lube and a condom. He is having difficulty believing sex between men feels good for the person taking it. He doesn’t exactly know what he’s doing, and he doesn’t want to hurt Gilbert.

When Gilbert hands the lube and condom over, Ludwig gives him a kiss on the lips, followed by a soft, loving smile. Blushing lightly, Ludwig says, “You’ll tell me if I’m hurting you, right?”

Gilbert doesn’t understand how Ludwig can be so comfortable with what they’re about to do. He mindlessly nods in response to the question. As planned, he turns around and bends partway over, with his hands on top of the bed.

Ludwig pours some lube on his fingers and gently pushes two of them in. This is his first time putting them in from this angle and using better lubricant than saliva, and he’s surprised by how easily his fingers slide in all the way. After working with two fingers for a minute, he adds a third.

It doesn’t hurt, but with the additional finger, Gilbert is feeling the stretch. He draws in a deep breath.

The sound of Gilbert’s breath has Ludwig worried, so he asks, “Are you all right?”

Gilbert shakes his head yes.

Ludwig doesn’t trust that Gilbert isn’t feeling pain, and three fingers feels like a tight fit, so he goes slow. As he continues to painstakingly stretch, splaying his fingers and moving them in and out, he leans forward and places loving kisses up Gilbert’s back.

After a couple minutes, Gilbert is rather aroused, and he’s breathing heavily through his mouth.  

Ludwig hears Gilbert’s breathing, and he again worries he’s hurting him. He knows he already asked a few minutes ago, but he wants to be sure, so he says, “Are you ok?”

“Yeah,” Gilbert answers, with shaky breath, “I’m ready.”

A shudder rolls through Gilbert’s body at the stimulation of Ludwig’s fingers pulling out suddenly. Gilbert hears the condom wrapper open, and a few seconds later, he feels lube get applied to him. He consciously relaxes as much as possible.

Ludwig is terrified to go any further. He tried anal sex just once, with a woman he dated in college, and she hated it. It was extremely painful for her, and it caused him no pleasure. It was such a bad experience, he never tried it again. The last thing in the world he wants is to cause his brother pain.

With concern in his voice, Ludwig says, “I don’t want to hurt you.”

Gilbert can handle any physical pain this might cause him, but there’s no way this won’t cause him loads of emotional pain, which won’t be nearly so easy to handle. For a moment, he considers stopping Ludwig. This is his last chance to stop them from going further than they previously have. However, Gilbert’s desire to give Ludwig what he wants wins out.

Gilbert turns his head to look back at Ludwig and says reassuringly, “You won’t.”

Gilbert takes a deep breath and concentrates on the pleasure of _what_ he’s about to do and tries to completely forget _who_ he’s doing it with.

Ludwig cautiously presses forward, until he’s all the way in. He’s astonished to see that his entire length has gone inside, and he’s equally astonished at how good it feels. He stands motionless, in awe of the situation.

As expected, Gilbert is unable to forget who he’s with. He wants to fucking die. His brother’s cock is inside him. How incredibly wrong this is has become clear to him. It’s too late to stop this terrible mistake, so he gives priority to his objective of getting it over with quickly. Ludwig hasn’t moved since he put it in, so Gilbert commands, “Move!”

And so Ludwig does, slowly and hesitantly, at first. He gently grips Gilbert’s too-slender hips, which reminds him that he has failed to follow through on his vow to take better care of his brother. He will make sure Gilbert eats a good, healthy meal tonight, but for now, he focuses on the task at hand. After a few thrusts, Ludwig’s mind is on nothing other than making himself and Gilbert feel good, and he picks up the pace.

After the number of times it has happened, Gilbert is no longer surprised when Ludwig quickly picks up on how to please him. For the next few minutes, Gilbert blocks out thoughts of how he deserves to be dragged into the street and shot for having sex with his little brother and focuses on the pleasure. Ludwig is hitting all the right spots and going at just the right speed, so it’s easy for Gilbert to lose himself for a couple minutes.

Ludwig had been trying not to finish quickly, but Gilbert’s moans quickly push him toward the edge. He’s close, so he reaches around and strokes Gilbert, both of them moaning as they climax together.

They stay joined for a minute, while they catch their breath. Gilbert’s legs quiver when Ludwig pulls out of him. Gilbert stands up straight, stretching out his tight lower back, and makes every possible excuse to avoid turning around. He thinks watching his brother take off the condom that was just inside him seems like a bad idea.

Ludwig is slightly embarrassed but not ashamed by what just happened. Truth be told, it felt really good, as good as sex with a woman, and a thousand times better than he had expected it to feel. He’s relieved that Gilbert seems to have enjoyed it as well. He had been very worried about hurting him. In fact, he is still a little worried. Once he gets the condom off and tosses it in the bathroom trashcan, he asks, “Are you ok?”

During the few seconds it takes Ludwig to throw the condom away, Gilbert puts on a pair of underwear and fishes through his dresser for pants and a shirt. With a smirk, he looks at Ludwig and says, “I think that’s the fifth time you’ve asked that.”

Gilbert isn’t squeamish about nudity, so Ludwig isn’t sure why he is in such a hurry to get dressed. He worries he pushed Gilbert into doing something he didn’t want to do. “I think it’s only the third time, and I’m asking because I’m worried. I want to make sure you’re ok,” he says, in a concerned tone.

Gilbert gives a wide grin and answers, “I’m fine, seriously, so you can stop worrying. It’s just that I’m all out of cigarettes. I’m going to take a walk, to buy some more. I’ll be back in a while.”

“Ok,” Ludwig says, “What about dinner? Should I order something for delivery?”

“Sure,” Gilbert says, as he walks out of the bedroom, “Whatever you order is fine. You know what I like.”

Gilbert barely keeps the forced smile on his face long enough to make it out the front door of his house. Tears start to roll down his cheeks as he walks down the path from the porch to the street. By the time he gets a few houses away, he’s sobbing out loud. He waits until there’s no chance he can be seen from his house before he pulls a cigarette from the pack he stashed in his jeans pocket while Ludwig wasn’t looking and lights it.

He feels bad about telling his brother an outright lie about being out of cigarettes, but he can’t very well let Ludwig see him cry like this, right after they had sex for the first time. He knows Ludwig would assume he did something wrong, but Ludwig didn’t do anything that Gilbert hadn’t been pushing them toward for months.

Gilbert tries to take a deep drag, to calm himself, but his inhale is disrupted by a sob. _Fuck. Crying and smoking at the same time is hard_ , he thinks. But there’s no way he’s not going to cry. He just had sex with his little brother, and he would be lying if he said he didn't enjoy it.

He swears to himself that if Ludwig tries to have sex with him again, he will refuse, and then he accuses himself of being a lying sack of shit. He knows he won’t say no.

He knew this would hurt; it hurts every time they do something like this. But this time is worse. They did something that at its best is the perfect expression of two people’s love for one another, but Gilbert knows better than to think that’s what he just experienced. He got fucked, nothing more.

To avoid looking like a complete fucking liar, Gilbert does what he said he was going to do and walks to a small shop that sells cigarettes. He buys a pack and walks home, opening the pack and smoking one of the cigarettes from it along the way.


	4. Friendly Greeting Kisses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gilbert finds temporary escape from his guilt when he meets up with friends on vacation.

Gilbert is having trouble thinking about anything other than the fact that he had sex with his brother yesterday. Guilt and shame threaten to suffocate him. He would like to go out, get drunk, and forget what he did yesterday, but instead, he holds Ludwig to his promise to talk about the results of the paternity test.

They sit at the dining room table, Gilbert looking at Ludwig, waiting for him to speak, while Ludwig looks at the beer bottle in his hands. After several minutes of silence, Gilbert asks a question, to give Ludwig a place to start. “Were you disappointed to find out you aren’t the father?” he asks.

“No,” Ludwig says, before immediately countering himself with, “Yes.” He runs a hand down his face in exasperation and says, with a sigh, “I don’t know.”

“Ok,” Gilbert says gently, “Do you think it’s possible that part of you was disappointed while another part of you was relieved?”

“I guess,” Ludwig answers, frowning. He has never felt comfortable burdening anyone else with what he’s going through, so he learned how to keep it all inside. Bottling his feelings up is now second nature, and it is difficult for him to let them out.

After another couple minutes of thought, Ludwig speaks again. “I thought I would have what mom and dad had.”

Gilbert is nothing if not sympathetic. Their parents were completely in love and always happy together, and they made it look effortless. Gilbert has long known their parents were the exception, but it seems Ludwig had assumed their success in love was the rule and that he would have the same. Gilbert laughs a little and says, “The ‘good at relationships’ gene didn’t get passed on to me.”

Ludwig huffs a bitter laugh and says, “Me either.”

Gilbert reaches across the table and reassuringly puts a hand on top of Ludwig’s. “No. Don’t say that. You will find the right woman – someone a million times better than _her_ – and you will have the family you always wanted. You are a good man, Ludwig. Don’t forget that.”

Ludwig gives a small, tired smile and says, “You’re a good man, too, Gilbert, and a good older brother.”

Gilbert almost laughs out loud. Ludwig probably wouldn’t be saying that if he knew that part of Gilbert hopes Ludwig never finds the right woman and stays with him instead. _‘Nope’ and ‘definitely not,’ respectively, little brother,_  he thinks, _I’m a terrible man and an even worse older brother._ “Thanks, Ludwig,” he responds, with a smile.

\--------------------

Two weeks pass, and nothing else happens between Gilbert and Ludwig; no kissing, no sex of any kind. Gilbert starts thinking nothing else will happen, with Ludwig’s relationship drama behind them.

Ludwig never thought of the things he and Gilbert did as being related to his relationship drama. One night, as they lie awake in bed, talking, he leans over and gently kisses Gilbert.

The kiss is tender and loving, and the conflict is killing Gilbert. Half of him wants to punch himself in the face for idiotically holding out hope this wouldn’t happen again, while half of him wants this more than he’s ever wanted anything in his life.

Ludwig goes down on Gilbert, and a voice comes from the back of Gilbert’s mind, reminding him that he had sworn he wouldn’t let this happen again. He tells the voice to go fuck itself.

Ludwig pauses to get the lube from the nightstand, then he goes back to his task of pleasuring Gilbert with his mouth, while loosening him up with his slicked-up fingers. Once Gilbert is prepped, Ludwig rolls a condom on and pushes into the man below him, with none of the apprehension he had last time.

Gilbert closes his eyes and bites his lip as he adjusts to Ludwig being inside him. When the discomfort passes, he opens his eyes and immediately regrets it. Though it’s nighttime, and the lights are off, Ludwig’s face is illuminated by the moonlight and streetlight coming through the window. Gilbert had never wanted to see what Ludwig’s face looks like during sex, but now that he has, he will never be able to forget it.

Gilbert hadn’t realized how good of a decision he’d made last time, when he opted to face away. He had almost been able to forget that he’s a terrible person who enjoys being fucked by his brother when his brother’s face wasn’t hovering directly above his. No such luck here. In a stroke of quick thinking, he puts a hand on the back of Ludwig’s neck and pulls him in for a kiss, so he doesn’t have to see his face anymore.

Ludwig moans into the kiss. He’s glad they’re facing each other. Being able to kiss while they do this makes it so much better. He assumes Gilbert feels the same way, since he was the one who initiated the kiss.

Before long, they are in the throes of orgasm. The ordeal ends with both of their stomachs being covered in Gilbert’s cum.

Ludwig pulls out, and once he is able to speak properly, he looks down at the mess on his torso and says, “Take a shower with me?”

 _‘Sure! Why the fuck not?’_ Gilbert’s sarcastic mind thinks, _‘I mean, after you’ve had sex with your little brother twice, you really have no excuse not to take showers with him, too.’_ Gilbert smirks and says, “Sure.”

\--------------------

A week later, they have sex a third time.

A week after that, they have sex a fourth time.

Physically, it makes Gilbert feel great, yet it hurts like hell every time. He doesn’t know what Ludwig is thinking when they have sex, but he’s pretty sure it isn’t, “I love you more than anything in the world, and I want to be with you forever.” The gap between his feelings for Ludwig and Ludwig’s feelings for him makes his heart ache.

Gilbert finally accepts the facts. Ludwig will more than likely continue to initiate sex with him. He is spineless when it comes to Ludwig, so he won’t stop it.

Gilbert knows he has to come up with a plan for dealing with the pain and guilt he inevitably feels when they have sex, or he’s going to go insane.

Trying to come up with a plan is mentally exhausting. He puts off thinking about it any further until after he gets back from vacation.

\--------------------

Two days after having sex with his brother for the fourth time, Gilbert leaves for vacation. He’s meeting up with Antonio and Francis, his best friends from college, whom he met while the three of them attended university in the United States for a year. Years later, even though they live in three different countries, they still consider each other best friends. Every August, they meet up for a few days. They take turns hosting, and this year, it’s Antonio’s turn, so Gilbert flies to Barcelona.

The flight from Berlin to Barcelona is about two-and-a-half hours long. As Gilbert flies away from Germany, he feels his anxiety about his relationship with his brother ease up. He’s glad, because he wants to enjoy his time with his friends, without having to dwell on how badly he has fucked up his and his brother’s lives.

Antonio and Francis wanted to spend their vacation by the beach, so when Gilbert’s flight lands, he takes a taxi to the beach house they rented. He finds the house unlocked and unoccupied. On the kitchen counter sit a key and a note in flowery, cursive French that reads, “My dearest Gilbert, We’re at Bambú. Love, F”

 _Of course those stupid fuckers are at a beach bar. No regard for those of us with delicate_ _complexions_ , he thinks, shaking his head _._ He sets down his luggage and prepares for the onslaught of the Mediterranean summer afternoon sun. He slathers on sunscreen and puts on the white hat and linen long pants and long-sleeved shirt that he bought specifically for this trip. Before leaving, he double-checks his sun coverage in a full-length mirror. He notes that he's now blinding fucking white, from head-to-toe, but it’s better than getting charred by the sun.

Gilbert locks up the house using the key that was with Francis’ note and sets out on the five-minute walk to the bar. During the walk, he has a small panic attack. Ever since he first kissed his brother, he’s been worried that people will somehow know what he’s been doing, just by looking at him. Nobody seems to have noticed thus far, but if anyone would be able to pick up on anything out-of-the-ordinary, it would be his best friends. What if they look at him and can somehow see the words ‘I’ve been fucking my little brother’ on his forehead? He decides he needs to act as normal as possible and hope that they don’t notice that anything is amiss.

When Antonio and Francis see Gilbert, they get up from their seats at the bar and rush over to him. They grab him in a three-person hug and kiss him on the cheeks.

The level of sarcasm with which the three friends normally speak to each other begins immediately, when Gilbert protests jokingly, “Ugh! Stop it, assholes!”

“Aww, it’s just a friendly greeting kiss, Gilbert!” Francis says, settling a hand on the small of Gilbert’s back.

Gilbert pushes him away and says, “I’m German. I don’t do ‘friendly’ or ‘greeting kisses.’” He then puts on a giant, pearly grin and says, “I’ve missed you guys.”

Antonio looks him up and down judgingly and says, “Gilbert, you are wearing far too much clothing. Did you forget that Barcelona is on the coast?”

“Shut up, you fucking tanned god,” Gilbert responds, with exaggerated bitterness, “Now buy me a drink, so I can forget my skin woes.”

The three of them sit at the bar and order another round of drinks. Gilbert is going to have to down the drinks quickly, if he’s to catch up to the two men who probably had a liquid lunch.

Francis starts the conversation with the question Gilbert had been praying wouldn’t get asked. “So, is either of you seeing anyone?”

Gilbert isn’t seeing anyone, but he still suspects he won’t be able to say ‘no’ with a straight face. Luckily, Antonio answers the question first. “I’m not exactly dating anyone, but I met a pair of sisters a couple months ago, when I spent a long weekend in Italy.”

“Ooh, Antonio!” Francis responds, “You had sisters? At the same time?”

Antonio blushes and says, “Oh, no, no. I didn’t ‘have’ either of them, but I will be seeing them again, so here’s hoping. They are taking a cruise in November. We exchanged phone numbers and email addresses, and they plan to contact me when their ship makes its stop in Barcelona. Unfortunately, I haven’t had any action since before I went to Italy. It’s been almost three months. I think I’m going to die if I don’t get some soon.”

Francis gives a sympathetic hum and says, “I know the feeling. It’s been almost four months for me.”

Speaking as if Gilbert isn't sitting right there, Antonio asks Francis, “If it’s been that long for the two of us, how long has it been for Gilbert?”

“Oh, he probably hasn’t gotten any since before we saw him a year ago,” Francis speculates, continuing their side conversation.

Gilbert narrows his eyes and says, “Shut the fuck up.”

“You poor thing,” Francis says patronizingly, stroking Gilbert’s arm as though he’s comforting him, “Has it been even longer than a year?”

Gilbert is annoyed with the bad timing of his friends' discussion of his personal life. “Not that it’s any of your business, but it’s been _this many_ days,” he says, flipping both middle fingers at his best friends.

Francis gasps, and Antonio buries his face in his hands in exaggerated despair. “No fair,” Antonio whines.

Now Francis’ curiosity is piqued. He leans in toward Gilbert and says, “Tell us everything. Leave out no detail.”

“Fuck off,” Gilbert says, waving to get the bartender’s attention so he can order another drink. He’s going to need to get a whole bunch more drunk than he currently is, if he wants to survive being asked questions about his sex life.

Francis pouts and begs, “Please. Please, Gilbert. My love life is so pathetic, I have to live vicariously through you.”

“No,” Gilbert says, motioning to the bartender that he wants two more of the same drink.

Francis bats his eyelashes and says, “Just answer ten questions for me. Please, Gilbert, I will love you forever if you do this for me.”

Gilbert scoffs and says, “You will love me forever, regardless.”

“Just five questions, then. Come on. Have a little sympathy.”

“Three,” Gilbert concedes, with a scowl, “You can ask three questions, you insufferable busybody.”

Francis claps in excitement and says, “Ok, let’s see. Where should I start? Oh, I know! Did you top or bottom?”

The bartender brings Gilbert’s drinks, which he quickly downs one of before answering, “I bottomed.”

Francis sighs contentedly and says, “That sounds glorious.” He looks like he’s daydreaming about having his ass plundered. “Ok, second question: What was he like? Tall, short? Skinny, fat? Unsexy, like Antonio, or sexy, like me?”

“Hey!” Antonio objects to Francis’ description of his attractiveness.

“Tall, built. Sexy as fuck, compared to the two of you,” Gilbert answers, insulting his friends to cover his discomfort with acknowledging that he finds his little brother sexy.

“Why can’t I find someone who’s sexy as fuck?” Antonio whines. “No fair,” he repeats.

“All right, last question,” says Francis. “Is this an ongoing thing you’ve got with this guy? Are you going to see him again?”

 _‘Well, he’s my brother, and I’ve been sharing a bed with him for several months, so yeah, I’ll definitely be seeing him again,’_ Gilbert doesn’t say. Instead, he coyly answers, “Who knows?”

“My dear Gilbert, please share this man with me,” Francis pleads.

“No,” Gilbert answers.

“I never thought I’d see the day when I was jealous of Gilbert,” Antonio says, dejectedly.

 _I’m jealous of anyone who isn’t in love with a member of their immediate family,_ Gilbert thinks, as he smirks triumphantly and says, “Suck it, fuckers. My life is awesome.”

Antonio and Francis spend the rest of the day trying to drown their jealousy in liquor. Gilbert drinks alongside them, trying to drown his self-loathing.

The rest of the vacation involves lots of drinking, Antonio hitting on women, Francis hitting on men and women, and Gilbert trying not to get completely sunburned. Gilbert bitches about the sun the whole time, but in truth, he’s enjoying himself, and he’s been able to mostly keep himself from feeling crippling guilt and pain about his relationship with Ludwig.

When it’s time to go home, he acts like he can’t wait to get back to Berlin, but in reality, he wishes he could escape his problems for a little longer. Antonio and Francis say goodbye to him with another round of smothering hugs and kisses and promises to have tons of great sex they can exchange stories about when they meet in Paris next year.


	5. Ill-Behaved Idiots

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now more than a year into an inappropriate relationship with his brother, Gilbert meets up with Francis and Antonio in Paris.

Over the next year, Gilbert and Ludwig have sex regularly, typically once or twice a week. Aside from that and sleeping in the same bed every night, they behave like they always have. To an outside observer, they appear to be nothing other than adult brothers who live together and get along well.

Separately, they each conclude that their relationship has degraded to ‘brothers with benefits,’ though neither of them says those words aloud, as the phrase too perfectly encapsulates the wrongness of what they’re doing.

Before he went to Barcelona, Gilbert told himself he would come up with a plan for dealing with the pain and guilt he feels each time they have sex, but he fails to do so. The guilt becomes tolerable, over time. The pain of being in a quasi-relationship with someone for whom he has unrequited feelings does not fade, though he grows accustomed to it.

The fact that Gilbert is having the best sex he’s ever had doesn’t make him feel any better about the situation. The most gentle, caring, loving partner he’s ever had is his brother. It makes him deeply depressed if he dwells on it.

On his rare optimistic days, Gilbert allows himself to hold out hope Ludwig will come to have feelings for him in return. Those days are dangerous. Those are the days he wants to shout his not-brotherly love for Ludwig from the rooftops, societal norms be damned.

Most days, Gilbert simply wishes he could get over his brother. But until that magically happens, he doesn’t want to let go of what they have.

Meanwhile, Ludwig never notices the lovelorn looks directed across the dinner table at him, and he misinterprets Gilbert’s occasional declarations of love during sex as meaning he’s enjoying what Ludwig is doing to him. Not once does he suspect the depth of the feelings Gilbert harbors for him.

It takes Ludwig several months to even understand his own motivation for sleeping with Gilbert. He feels guilty when he realizes that he fools around with his brother to distract himself from how much his life has disappointed him. His life is none of the things he had pictured it would be as he heads toward his late twenties. He thought he’d already be married, with at least one kid and several dogs. Instead, he’s single, living with his brother in their childhood home, and has no interest in dating. He’s terrified of having his heart ripped to shreds again.

To combat feeling like he’s using his brother for sex, Ludwig follows through on his repeated vow to help Gilbert take better care of himself. He makes sure Gilbert eats enough, and he encourages him to cut back on his smoking. When Gilbert complains about being nagged, Ludwig reminds him who he learned that behavior from. By the time summer rolls around again, Gilbert is back up to a healthy weight, and he has cut his smoking from twenty or more cigarettes a day to single digits. Ludwig worries a lot less about Gilbert’s health than he did a year prior.

Ludwig always intended to stop having sex with Gilbert once he got his life back on track. He just hadn’t expected that he would still feel like his life is still a disaster, almost two years after being dumped by his fiancée. He knows self-pity is a poor excuse for sleeping with his brother, but he doesn’t have the strength to stop himself. If one of them found someone they were interested in dating, he would put a stop to it. He no longer holds out hope of that for himself, but he hopes Gilbert will find someone.

\--------------------

It’s been a year since Barcelona, and Gilbert is on his way to Paris, to meet up with Antonio and Francis. It’s an easy flight, under two hours. Francis lives in a studio apartment and doesn’t have room for guests, so when Gilbert arrives in Paris, he takes a taxi to his hotel and checks in. They made plans to meet up at a bar, so Gilbert takes another taxi there.

When he walks in to the bar, he looks for his friends. Across the room, he spots what appears to be the back of Francis’ head. Actually, he sees what almost look like two of the back of Francis’ head, sitting together on one side of a table. He assumes Francis is dating a guy with shoulder-length, soft-curly, dishwater-blond hair. Gilbert walks around the table and waits for Francis to introduce his boyfriend.

Standing up and capturing Gilbert in a hug, Francis exclaims, “Gilbert, my love!” After assaulting Gilbert’s cheeks with kisses, as he always does, Francis gestures toward the young man still seated at the table. “Allow me to introduce my cousin.” Looking at his cousin and gesturing toward Gilbert, he says, “This is the German half of my all-time best friend.”

Francis’ cousin stands up, offers his hand for a handshake, and speaks in French. “I’m Matthew. It’s nice to meet you, Gilbert.”

Gilbert shakes Matthew’s hand. “It’s nice to meet you as well.” Matthew’s accent doesn’t go unnoticed by Gilbert, so he asks, “Are you Canadian?”

Matthew deflates with disappointment and says, with a sigh, in English, “Yes.”

“I told you, your accent gives you away,” Francis chides Matthew. “You need to practice speaking correctly while you are here.”

“Don’t be an ass, Francis,” Gilbert says, before addressing Matthew, “It wasn’t meant as an insult. I spent a year in Boston in college. Francis would make me and Antonio drive six hours with him to Montréal, to satisfy his need to hear people speak French, so I know what a French-Canadian accent sounds like. Also, I could tell you weren’t French,” he glares at Francis and continues, “because you didn’t force unwanted physical contact on me, calling it a,” he puts the next two words in air quotes, “‘friendly greeting.’”

Francis sticks his tongue out at Gilbert. “Whatever. You love my kisses, and you know it. When you lie down at night, you dream of the things I can do with this tongue.”

“As someone who’s had your tongue in his mouth before, I can attest that isn’t the case,” Gilbert retorts.

Matthew covers his ears. "Ugh, gross! I don’t want to hear about my cousin’s love life.”

“Oh, don’t worry,” Gilbert says, with a smirk, “he doesn’t have one of those.”

“I’m sorry, dear cousin,” Francis apologizes, stroking Matthew’s hair, “We won’t speak of it again. Plus, the kiss my darling Gilbert refers to was a lifetime ago, not to mention regrettable.”

Gilbert shrugs. “I don’t regret it. That was the moment we figured out we would make terrible lovers, but that we might make good friends.”

“True,” Francis agrees.

“Speaking of good friends,” Gilbert says, looking past Francis, “here comes the other one.”

Antonio spots the group and walks over, hugging Francis and Gilbert. Francis introduces Matthew to Antonio, whom he refers to as ‘the Spanish half of his all-time best friend,’ and the four of them sit down.

Antonio looks stressed out, so Gilbert asks him, “Rough flight?”

“No,” Antonio sighs, “my girlfriend dumped me for coming here. It’s over for good this time.”

“You should have invited her to meet us here,” Francis says.

“I did!” responds an exasperated Antonio, “She said, ‘Why the fuck would I want to go to France, you bastard?’ So, I said, ‘Ok, well, I’m going.’ And she said, ‘Fine! It’s over! I never want to talk to you again!’ and hung up on me. That was three weeks ago, and she hasn’t called or texted me since.”

“Wait. I’m confused,” says Gilbert. “Doesn’t she live in Italy? What does she care if you make a trip to France?”

Antonio gives a tired laugh. “That’s a good question, but apparently, I’m not allowed to go anywhere that doesn’t involve going to Italy to see her.”

“Why didn’t you date the other sister instead?” Francis asks. “What made you choose the mean one?”

“Ah, yeah, Feli is very sweet and kind and cute. I don’t know what to tell you; She just doesn’t do anything for me. Lovi has spirit. She keeps me on my toes. And she’s wild in the bedroom,” he says, with a lovestruck glaze across his eyes.

Matthew attempts to hide an eye-roll behind his glasses, presumably at having to listen to his cousin’s friend talk about his sex life.

“Well, Antonio, my love, I’m sure she will reach out soon. Isn’t this the twelfth time she’s dumped you? She’ll change her mind and take you back, for the twelfth time,” Francis reassures Antonio.

“I hope so,” Antonio says, looking heartbroken, “but for now, I just want to get drunk.”

A couple rounds of drinks later, Gilbert excuses himself and steps outside for a smoke. As he lights a cigarette, he notices that Matthew has followed him out to the alley next to the bar.

“Can I have a drag?” Matthew asks.

Gilbert pulls out a fresh cigarette and offers, “You can have a whole one of your own, if you like.” Matthew shakes his head no, so Gilbert passes him his lit cigarette.

Matthew takes a drag and passes it back. “Thanks.”

“No problem. So, how are you enjoying your cousin’s insane friends, so far?”

Matthew laughs a little and says, “It’s interesting. It’s hard to keep up with the way the conversation switches between French, German, Spanish and English.”

“We’ve been doing that ever since we met, ten years ago. We don’t have a mother tongue in common, but we each speak some of the other two languages. And there’s always English.” Gilbert takes a drag and asks, “Did you come to Paris just to meet your cousin’s awesome friends?”

Matthew laughs again and shakes his head no. “I missed Paris. It’s been too long since I’ve been here. I was seventeen the last time I visited.”

“So, last year, then?” Gilbert jokes.

Matthew rolls his eyes and says dryly, “Ha-ha. No. I’m twenty-four.”

Pretending to be shocked by Matthew's age, Gilbert gives an exaggerated cough and says, “So young! Fuck, you’re practically a baby.”

“Come on. You’re Francis’ age, right? You’re thirty-one? I’m not that much younger than you.”

“Shit, don’t say my age out loud! People don’t need to know that I was born when dinosaurs roamed the planet. And you really are _that much_ younger than I am. You’re two years younger than my little brother.”

Matthew sarcastically plays along. “All right, ‘old man,’ give me another drag.”

Gilbert smirks at Matthew’s treating him like they’ve been friends forever, even though they just met. He doesn’t mind it. He feels more comfortable talking with Matthew than he has with anyone he’s met in a long time. He hands the cigarette over again, feigning annoyance. “Next time, I’m giving you your own cigarette.”  

“I don’t smoke,” Matthew blatantly lies, taking a drag.

Voice dripping with sarcasm, Gilbert says, “Yeah, I can see that.” Taking the cigarette back, he asks, “So, how much longer will you be here? What are your plans?”

“I’m here for another week. I don’t have any specific plans. I wanted to act like a tourist for at least a day, but my cousin refuses to go with me, because he loves being a pompous ass. How about you?”

“I’m only here for four days. I also wanted to act like a tourist, but Francis obviously lives here, and Antonio has been here many more times than I have, so when I asked if we could do a day of tourist attractions, they acted like I was an idiot for suggesting it.”

Matthew looks directly in Gilbert’s eyes and suggests, “We could ditch them tomorrow and do whatever we want.”

Gilbert catches a hint of an evil streak he hadn’t expected to see in Matthew. He grins and says, “I like the way you think.”

When Matthew and Gilbert go back inside the bar, Matthew tells Francis and Antonio their plans.

With disgust, Francis tells them, “Have fun standing in line with ill-behaved, idiot tourists all day long.”

Gilbert flips Francis' words around. “It will be no worse than watching two ill-behaved idiots hit on tourists all day long."

Francis gives a sigh of displeasure and says, “Fine. If that’s what you really want to do, I may be able to help you out. It may not have occurred to you that it’s August, and all of Europe is on holiday right now. The tourist attractions are going to be overflowing with every type of moron, and if you don’t have tickets in advance, you may not get in. However, fortune may be smiling on you. I have a friend who works for a company that does bus tours. I will call her and see if she can spare two tickets.”

Gilbert is about to say something snarky about what kind of ‘friend’ would provide such a favor, but Matthew beats him to the response. He says sincerely, “Thank you, Francis. You are the best.”

“Don’t thank me yet. Let me make a phone call and see if she can get me the tickets first.” Francis gets up from the table to call his friend. He comes back a few minutes later, looking triumphant. “I was able to get you two full-day tour tickets, which I’ve emailed to you.”

“Thank you,” Matthew repeats.

Francis smiles at Matthew. “Of course. Anything for my dear cousin.” Francis turns to Gilbert and threatens, “If he doesn’t have fun tomorrow, I’m blaming you.”

Gilbert grins and says, “He’ll have fun. He’ll be with me, and I’m awesome.”

Francis rolls his eyes at Gilbert.

“How much do I owe you?” Matthew asks Francis.

“The tickets aren’t being paid for with money,” Francis says, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively. “I’ve promised to spend the whole night with her Friday after next, and she specifically requested that I do that thing where I--"

“No! No more!” a cringing Matthew interrupts, in a pleading tone.

Francis laughs at Matthew’s reaction. “I’m teasing, Matthew. She gave me her employee discount on the tickets, and she agreed to go out with me Friday after next. I got a date out of it, so the tickets are on me.”


	6. Suitcase Full of Bricks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gilbert and Matthew spend a day touring Paris.

Gilbert and Matthew meet up for breakfast at the restaurant at Matthew’s hotel, since his hotel is closest to where the tour begins.

Gilbert says, “Good morning,” and Matthew flutters one eye open, just enough to see who’s talking, and grunts in response. Gilbert understands Matthew is probably jetlagged from being several time zones away from home, but he wonders how he even managed to get showered and make his way down to the restaurant in this state.

After they are seated, the waiter comes to take their order. Matthew mumbles in Canadian-accented French, and Gilbert is impressed with the waiter’s ability to decipher Matthew’s order. It makes him feel better about ordering in German-accented French.

Thirty minutes and two cups of coffee later, Matthew is acting significantly more awake. “Sorry if I was grumpy earlier,” he says, “I’m not really a morning person.”

Gilbert is entertained by the positive effect of caffeine on Matthew's mood. “You don’t say,” he responds dryly, “The women who spend the night with you must love dealing with you in the morning.”

Matthew raises a questioning eyebrow at Gilbert and says, “I’ve never spent the night with a _woman_ ,” emphasizing the last word.

Gilbert feels like an ass. He hates when people assume he’s straight, just because he doesn’t behave flamboyantly, and now he’s done the same to Matthew. “Oh” is all he can think to say.

Matthew gives him a sideways smile and says, “Is your gaydar always this bad?”

 _It never used to be, but maybe sleeping with a straight guy for the past year has dulled my senses,_ Gilbert thinks. “Sorry,” Gilbert says, giving the closest thing to a sheepish smile he’s capable of, “I shouldn’t have assumed.”

“It’s ok. I’m surprised Francis didn’t tell you.”

“Francis doesn’t tell me anything, other than the sordid details of his sexual fantasies.”

Matthew wrinkles his nose, agreeing with Gilbert's distaste for Francis' habit of over-sharing, and says, “Yeah. I wish he wouldn’t do that.”

\--------------------

The tour starts out with the bus driving down the Champs-Élysées to the Arc de Triomphe, and already, Gilbert is glad he agreed to Matthew’s plan and ditched his friends. The monuments are imposing, up-close and in-person. No photograph can do them justice.

While the sights are impressive, Gilbert isn’t sure he’d be enjoying himself half as much as he is, if not for the company. He had underestimated his best friend’s young cousin. He had expected Matthew to be an annoying idiot, like most twenty-four-year-old guys are, but he’s not. He’s intelligent and has a dry wit that fits well with Gilbert’s sense of humor.

Gilbert finds out something else surprising about Matthew when the tour makes its stop at the Eiffel Tower for lunch. All the people from their bus, along with a bunch of other tourists, are trying to get on the elevators. There’s just enough space for Matthew and Gilbert to cram themselves onto one of the elevators, but Matthew notices something Gilbert hadn’t, which is that an old man, apparently visiting by himself, is trying to get on the elevator, but no one is kind enough to let him through. Matthew physically holds back a couple of particularly pushy tourists and lets the old man get on the elevator instead. The old man speaks a language neither Matthew nor Gilbert understand, but he seems very grateful for the help. Gilbert adds “chivalrous” to the list of Matthew’s unexpected personality traits.

Matthew and Gilbert end up hoofing it up the stairs. Gilbert wishes he never started smoking again, because walking up several-hundred stairs is more than his lungs are ready for. He stops at each of the signs that talk about the history of the tower, to catch his breath. Matthew bounds up the stairs in a way that pointedly reminds Gilbert of the age gap between them. Suffering through the stairs pays off once they get high enough to get a good view of the city. It is truly breathtaking.

There’s one more thing about Matthew that Gilbert notices while they’re on the final leg of the tour, which is an hour-long boat trip down the Seine. Matthew is leaning on the railing of the boat’s deck, looking out at the unique view the river affords of sights like the Orsay Museum and the Conciergerie. His hair is blowing in the wind created by the speed of the boat, and his face is glowing in the afternoon sun. It is in that moment that Gilbert notices that Matthew is beautiful. Gilbert misses out on the river view of all the landmarks as they pass by, because his eyes are more drawn to Matthew than they are to the twelfth-century architecture of the Notre Dame.

Gilbert is so caught up in looking at Matthew that he fails to notice when Matthew turns toward him. Matthew looks over each of his own shoulders, like he thinks maybe Gilbert is looking at something behind him. Then, with his head cocked sideways adorably, Matthew asks, “Gilbert, are you ok?”

Gilbert snaps out of his daze and lies, “I’m fine. I was just thinking about where we should go for drinks after the tour.”

Matthew moves close to Gilbert, standing directly in front of him. Matthew is close enough that Gilbert is finally able to get a good look at Matthew’s eyes, which to this point have been criminally hidden from him behind glasses. The eyes are a stunning purplish-blue, and if he didn’t feel like he was being pleasantly drowned by the pools of violet, he would be jealous, as in his opinion, there is no flattering way to describe his own eye color.

Matthew smiles and says, “I could go for a drink.”

Gilbert gives a half-hearted smile back. Gilbert thinks if things were different, he might want to be more than friends with Matthew. Unfortunately, as things stand, Gilbert is deep into a relationship with his brother, and he’s sure Matthew would never be interested in someone like him, anyway. Gilbert’s half-smile turns to a frown when he feels the pain in his chest that comes with thinking about his relationship with Ludwig.

Gilbert doesn’t want to spoil the good time they were having, so he does his best to act like he had all day, talking and laughing with Matthew. When the tour ends, he and Matthew go to a tavern for dinner and drinks.

A couple of drinks in, they’re a little tipsy, but not drunk. Somehow, they start complaining about ex-boyfriends, and Gilbert says, “What’s the worst way you’ve ever had a relationship end?”

Matthew thinks for a moment and answers, “I had been seeing this guy for a couple months, but one night, I showed up at his apartment, and he blocked me from coming inside and said, ‘Sorry, I don’t think this is going to work out.’ I asked why, and he said, ‘I like you, but I’m not really looking for someone who wants to switch. And even when you bottom, you’re too assertive.’ So, I said, ‘What should I have done? Put my hips in the air and acted like I was dead?’ And this asswipe had the gall to say, ‘Yeah, that would have been better.’ I reached in, grabbed the door handle, and slammed the door myself.”

Gilbert blinks a few times and says, “Wow. I don’t even want to tell my story now. Yours is definitely worse… Mine is about socks.”

Matthew laughs and says, “Come on. I have to hear this sock-based breakup story.”

“All right. Here’s the story: I went out and bought a pack of a half-dozen pairs of athletic socks, because my old ones were worn out and full of holes. When he saw the new socks, he freaked out on me and said I was wasting our money. I couldn’t think of anything to say in response to such an insane thing, so I took the ring off my finger, set it on the kitchen counter, and walked out.”

“Shit,” Matthew says, mouth agape, “You were married?”

“No,” Gilbert clarifies, “We were engaged. And it didn’t really end over socks. The socks thing was just the end of the end. The beginning of the end had probably come about a year prior.”

Matthew bites his lip to hold back laughter, but then he laughs out loud and says, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t laugh, but what did he expect you to do? Walk around in socks with a bunch of holes in them?”

The question was intended to be rhetorical, but in the middle of Matthew taking a swig of beer, Gilbert answers flatly, “He expected me to darn them.”

Matthew nearly spits the beer out of his mouth, laughing. Gilbert joins him in laughing. Matthew says, between chuckles, “I think you win. Your story is worse than mine.”

“That’s a dubious distinction,” Gilbert replies.

Gilbert and Matthew stay at the tavern for a while, and they get pretty buzzed. Gilbert is relaxed and having fun. They decide to walk around outside for a while, and then maybe find another place to go for drinks.

When they get outside, the sun is well on its way to setting. Matthew says, “It’s a little chillier than I expected. My hotel is just a couple blocks away. Do you mind if we stop there, so I can pick up a heavier sweater?”

Gilbert nods, and a few minutes later, they are in Matthew’s hotel room. Matthew shuts the door behind them, and instead of walking toward the closet or anywhere that it might make sense for a sweater to be, he takes his glasses off and sets them on a table, then steps up to Gilbert and kisses him. Gilbert instinctively reciprocates.

The kiss progresses organically. There’s no hesitation on either person’s part. They just open their mouths, and soft tongues glide against each other. Matthew wraps his arms around Gilbert’s shoulders, and Gilbert runs his hands through Matthew’s silky locks.

Still kissing, Matthew guides them to the bed, which Gilbert falls backwards onto when the backs of his knees hit the edge. As Matthew climbs on top of him and starts kissing him again, Gilbert’s brain finally catches up with what’s happening, and he immediately thinks about Ludwig.

Suddenly, Gilbert breaks the kiss, slips out from underneath Matthew, and stands up. He feels like he’s on the verge of vomiting. “I’m sorry,” he says, eyes squeezed shut, unable to make eye contact, “I can’t...”

Matthew says, in a sincere, apologetic tone, “ _I’m_ sorry.”

When Gilbert looks at Matthew, who is now seated on the bed, he sees a hurt but concerned face looking back at him. Gilbert looks away and says, “You didn’t do anything wrong. I just….” He shakes his head, which has been flooded anew with shame for his incestuous love for Ludwig. In a shaky voice, he says, “I should go.”

Turning his back to Matthew’s continued apologies, Gilbert leaves. He lights a cigarette while he walks through the hotel lobby and ignores the desk clerk who is yelling at him that smoking isn’t allowed.

“Fuck, what an idiotic prick I am,” he says out loud, in seething, angry German, drawing glares from some fellow German tourists who are walking into the hotel as he walks out.

Gilbert walks aimlessly around Paris for a couple hours, smoking and morosely contemplating the various ways he’s been an asshole. First off, he feels like an idiot for not realizing Matthew might be interested in him. Looking back, it’s obvious that they clicked nearly the moment they met. Gilbert knew he felt at ease with him, enjoyed his company, and found him physically attractive, but it hadn’t occurred to him that Matthew might feel the same about him.

Second, he feels like an asshole for thinking about his brother while a sweet, gorgeous guy kisses him. Matthew deserves better than that. He’s sure Matthew thinks he’s insane.

Finally, he feels like a jerk for ruining Matthew’s day. Hell, he ruined his own day, too. This trip was supposed to be a haven from his guilt over sleeping with his brother, which he drags behind him like a suitcase full of bricks at all times, but now the suitcase feels heavier than normal.

Gilbert would love to be in a 'normal' relationship. It hurts to be in a relationship where his feelings aren’t returned. It’s exhausting to have to keep his love a secret. But until the day comes when he can look at his brother without thinking, ‘I wish you weren’t my brother; I wish you loved me the way I love you,’ he’s in no position to be pursuing anyone else. Even though he knows it's selfish of him and that the faux-lovers relationship he has with Ludwig is foundationless and doomed to fail, he isn’t ready to give it up. 

But until he gets back to Berlin and Ludwig, he can’t avoid seeing Matthew again, so he needs to make sure things aren’t awkward between them. If they’re even a little bit awkward, Francis will be able to tell, and he will presumably be mad at Gilbert for what happened. It occurs to him that Matthew might tell Francis what happened. If he does, Gilbert will deal with Francis. Either way, he needs to smooth things over with Matthew. He’s meeting up with everyone for lunch tomorrow. He has until then to spin a lie to explain his behavior.


	7. Half of Everything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gilbert’s trip to Paris comes to a close, and he goes home to Ludwig.

When Gilbert gets to the restaurant for lunch, the other three men are already there. Gilbert sits down and greets everyone, watching Francis closely, gauging whether he knows anything of what happened between him and Matthew last night. He doesn’t seem to, which takes a little bit of weight off of Gilbert’s mind. He doesn’t want to waste any time before talking to Matthew, so he stands up and excuses himself for a smoke.

Francis looks up at Gilbert, brow narrowed in annoyance. “You just got here!”

“Didn’t you say you were going to quit smoking last year?” Antonio asks, sounding more concerned than irritated, “Why did you even start again?”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Gilbert says, mockingly calling Francis “ _mom_ ” and Antonio “ _dad_ ,” before rolling his eyes and walking away from the table. Without drawing Francis’ or Antonio’s attention, he makes eye contact with Matthew and motions with his head, indicating for Matthew to follow him outside.

Gilbert and Matthew meet up on a set of stairs in front of a building a few doors down from the restaurant. Matthew starts to apologize again. “Sorry--"

Gilbert interrupts him. “I told you. You didn’t do anything wrong. I want to explain what the fuck was wrong with me last night. As with most difficult stories, this one starts with, ‘There’s a guy…’” He lights a cigarette, taking a deep drag off it and letting it out slowly before sharing his mostly-true if not over-simplified story. “There’s a guy. I shouldn’t have fallen in love with him, but I did, and I shouldn’t have started sleeping with him, but I did. I found myself thinking of him while we were kissing.”

Now that his carefully-planned speech is out, Gilbert realizes it probably isn’t really a sufficient explanation for his behavior last night, but he hopes Matthew will accept his apology anyway. He continues, “I’m sorry for fucking up an otherwise perfect day. Can you forgive me for being an idiot?”

Matthew reaches out his fingers in a “v”-shape, silently asking for a drag of Gilbert’s cigarette. Gilbert hands the smoldering cylinder over, and Matthew draws a breath through it before handing it back. He gives a sincere smile and says, “Of course.”

Gilbert smiles back at him, then takes one last drag, before putting out the cigarette and saying, “We should go back before your nosy cousin wonders where we went.”

As they walk back to the restaurant, Matthew says, “Francis asked me a million questions about yesterday. He asked if I made a move on you.” Gilbert internally panics, until Matthew explains, “I told him we fucked before the tour even started. He knows I’m not a morning person, so he didn’t buy that.”

Gilbert lets out a breath and jokes, “You really are barely functional in the morning.”

They make no attempt to hide the fact that they came back into the restaurant together, so when they sit down at the table, Francis says to Matthew indignantly, “You little liar! You went out for a smoke, didn’t you?”

Matthew gives him a feigned look of confusion and says, in English, “I’m sorry. I don’t speak French.”

“I blame you for his behaving like this,” Francis says to Gilbert, with a frown. Gilbert shrugs.

\--------------------

To Gilbert’s relief, there is no tension between Matthew and him during his remaining two days in Paris. All four men eat, drink and have a good time together. Even heartbroken Antonio ends the trip happy, after his girlfriend calls him, screaming in his ear, “Why the fuck didn’t you call me this whole time? Don’t you love me, you bastard?”

Gilbert and Matthew exchange email addresses and connect on social media, and Gilbert says goodbye to Matthew. This is most likely the last time they’ll ever see each other, which he thinks is for the best, because Matthew is a good guy, and he is not.

Gilbert enjoyed his vacation, but he’s anxious to get back home to Ludwig.

\--------------------

When Gilbert gets home, he finds Ludwig working in his study. With a grin, Gilbert declares, “I’m home!”

Ludwig turns around and says, “Welcome home, brother.” He gives Gilbert a soft, warm smile.

Gilbert’s heart skips a beat. He can’t imagine that he will ever be this in love with anyone else. Seeing his brother’s smile puts him at ease.

“Did you have fun in Paris?” Ludwig asks.

“Yeah, it was a really good trip,” Gilbert answers, pulling his phone from his pocket, so he can show Ludwig pictures.

“I want to hear all about it,” Ludwig says, taking the phone from Gilbert’s hands and setting it on the desk, “afterwards.”

“Oh, I see.” Gilbert smiles, liking where this is headed.

Ludwig pulls Gilbert onto his lap and kisses him deeply. Ludwig breaks the kiss to speak. “You smell good.”

“I smell like the fancy soap from the hotel,” Gilbert responds.

They kiss again, Ludwig undressing Gilbert. Still seated, Ludwig guides Gilbert to stand facing the desk and removes the last of his clothes. Ludwig positions himself behind Gilbert. He spreads Gilbert’s cheeks and slowly licks a stripe up the middle, from the perineum to the small of Gilbert’s back. He drags the tongue back down again until it reaches Gilbert’s hole, and then he stiffens his tongue and pushes it inside.

Gilbert suppresses a moan, because he knows if he starts moaning now, he’ll be screaming loudly enough for the neighbors to hear by the time they’re done. He spreads his legs farther and bends forward, with his forearms on top of the desk. Ludwig dips his tongue in and out, and Gilbert unconsciously pushes backward in time, trying to get more of that wet, silky organ inside him.

Being tongue-fucked feels great, but it’s making Gilbert incredibly horny. He wants Ludwig inside him for real, and for that, he needs some items that are kept in his nightstand. He looks over his shoulder and says, “I'd love to let you do that all day, but should we take this to the bedroom?”

Ludwig slowly pulls his tongue out of Gilbert, then reaches over and opens one of the desk drawers, producing a bottle of lube and a condom.

Gilbert sees this and raises his eyebrows. “Do you normally keep those in there?”

“No,” Ludwig answers, blushing. Looking off to the side in embarrassment and gesturing vaguely toward the desk, he says, “I cleared a space for you.”

Gilbert finds it entertaining that Ludwig gets embarrassed by his own perversion. He takes Ludwig’s hint and gets on top of the desk, glad that it’s a large, sturdy, solid wood desk and not some cheap thing made of particle board, given what they’re about to do. He lies down on his back and then scoots forward, so his ass is hanging off the front of the desk.

Ludwig reaches out to finger Gilbert, but Gilbert is too impatient, after how turned-on Ludwig’s tongue made him, so he stops him. “I’m ready.”

Ludwig nods, then drops his pants, revealing that he’s ready as well. He puts the condom on and applies some lube over it and on Gilbert, before stepping up to the desk and pushing in slowly.

Gilbert breathes heavily and contentedly at the sensation of being filled. He takes a moment to look at Ludwig and appreciate how lucky he is to have someone who loves him as much as Ludwig does. Before he gets too emotional about it, he puts his ankles on Ludwig’s shoulders and gives an exaggerated seductive wink.

Ludwig shakes his head at his brother’s ridiculous flirtation and then thrusts, slowly a few times, but quickly picking up the tempo.

Fuck if it isn’t the best thing Gilbert has ever felt. He never wants it to end. Luckily for him, Ludwig has the stamina of an Olympic athlete, keeping up his killer pace with no problem.

Ludwig goes at it for several minutes, and he works up a sweat. He bends over while continuing to thrust, licking a couple drops of his sweat and the taste of Gilbert’s fancy soap from Gilbert’s chest.

Though Gilbert hadn’t thought it possible, having Ludwig’s hot tongue on his body turns him on even more. He manages to verbalize a word amidst his moans: “Deeper.”

Before complying with the request, Ludwig slows his pace and kisses Gilbert, tangling tongues and mingling heavy breaths. He then plunges in hard, as far as he can, again and again.

It’s exactly what Gilbert wanted. It’s painful to be penetrated so deeply, particularly without being fully prepared, but at the same time, it feels so fucking good. He looks up at Ludwig, not afraid to see his brother’s face while they do this, like he used to be. Ludwig’s hands are braced on either side of Gilbert’s head, and he has his eyes closed, as if he’s ardently concentrating on filling his brother as full of him as possible. Sweat has destroyed whatever product he had in his hair, and a fringe of blond is now hanging loosely in front of his forehead. Gilbert thinks it might be the sexiest thing he’s ever laid eyes on.

Ludwig jerks Gilbert to completion before giving a couple final hard thrusts and pulling out.

Gilbert’s body continues to shudder with orgasm for a few seconds. When it’s done, he says, “Damn. I should go out of town more often, if that’s how you’re going to greet me when I get home.”

Ludwig blushes, trying to hide a smile as he disposes of the spent condom. As they clean up and get re-dressed, Gilbert asks, “Beer?”

Ludwig nods, and Gilbert grabs his phone from the desk before they go to the kitchen. Gilbert gets each of them a beer, and then they stand next to each other, leaning against the counter, while Gilbert tells Ludwig all about his trip to Paris: meeting Francis’ cousin Matthew, the two of them ditching the other two to go on a full-day tour of the city, and Antonio having been dumped for making the trip, only to reconcile with his girlfriend on the last day.

Ludwig can’t help but notice the number of times Gilbert is mentioning Matthew. Every other sentence seems to be ‘Matthew and I _this_ ’ or ‘Matthew and I _that_.’ There’s a look of fondness in Gilbert’s eyes when he speaks of Matthew.

The same fondness is evident in Gilbert’s photographs. There are plenty of pictures of any combination of Francis, Antonio and/or Matthew, but the ones that contain only Matthew seem to have been taken with a different degree of care than the others. The photographer’s affection for his subject is clear. It’s almost as though Gilbert had been trying to literally capture Matthew in the photographs.

Ludwig watches Gilbert’s face as he talks about each of the photos. He’s not sure Gilbert is consciously aware of it, but he’s certain his brother has feelings for Matthew.

Ludwig can’t blame Gilbert for falling for Matthew. Even a straight guy like Ludwig can see that Matthew is good-looking. He seems to be everything people normally look for in a partner: kind, smart and fun. It sounds like his personality is a good fit for Gilbert’s. And he finds it worth noting that Matthew isn’t Gilbert’s brother. Ludwig had always planned to end the sexual aspect of their relationship if Gilbert found someone he was interested in dating, but Ludwig hadn’t realized until today that he might be holding his brother back from pursuing other relationships.

Ludwig knows what he has to do, but he’s not ready to do it quite yet. His smile falters just a little as he says, “I’m glad you had fun, brother.”

“I did, but I’m glad to be home,” Gilbert responds.

Changing the subject, Ludwig says, “I didn’t realize how late it is. Can we eat dinner now?”

“Sure. I can cook,” Gilbert offers.

Ludwig stands there, watching his brother cook, and his feelings of guilt grow. Over the past several months, he has given himself a million excuses for why it’s acceptable for him to use sex with his brother as stress relief or as a pleasant distraction from the various ways his life has failed to live up to his expectations, but really, it boils down to his feeling too sorry for himself to put what’s best for Gilbert ahead of his own selfishness.

Gilbert feels his brother’s eyes on him, so he turns around. With a smirk, he asks, “What’s up?”

Ludwig thinks it’s a shitty time to bring up this topic, but it’s better to get it over with, sooner rather than later. He gives a sad smile and says quietly, “We should stop doing this.”

The smirk falls from Gilbert’s face. He hopes Ludwig isn’t saying what he thinks he’s saying.

Ludwig looks at the floor in shame. “I’m sorry. I’ve been selfish. I don’t want to be the reason you miss out on love, so let’s stop this.”

Gilbert nearly drops the wooden spoon he’s holding. He feels like he might throw up. He doesn’t attempt to speak, because he thinks he will either scream or sob if he opens his mouth. He tries to stop the tears that are welling up from falling, but his eyes betray him, producing more tears than he can hold back.

Ludwig looks up and is pained to see tears streaming down his brother’s face. He doesn’t understand Gilbert’s reaction. He had expected him to say, ‘You’re right. This has gone on long enough. It’s time for us to move on,’ but instead, he’s crying. Confused, he asks, “What’s wrong?”

In shock and not really thinking straight, Gilbert answers honestly, “I’m in love with you.”

As soon as the words are out, Gilbert wishes he could take them back. He has known from the moment he realized how he feels about Ludwig that admitting to it would destroy their relationship. The tears that have been falling give way to sobbing. He covers his face with his hands.

Ludwig had no idea Gilbert felt that way about him. He would never have turned to him for physical comfort if he’d known. He can see that he hurt him badly; he probably hurt him every time they kissed or had sex over the past two years. He thinks anything he might try to say or do now will only hurt him further. He had thought Gilbert would be better off if they stopped sleeping together, but now he thinks Gilbert will only be better off if he gets out of his life entirely.

Ludwig can’t think of anything to say, so he simply mumbles regretfully, “I’m sorry,” and walks away. He packs a few items into his duffel bag and walks out the front door.

Gilbert hears the front door close behind Ludwig, and his sobbing turns distraught. He leans against the countertop for support, but his legs refuse to continue holding him up. His back slides down the cabinets until he’s sitting on the floor, where he continues to cry.

When the food on the stovetop starts burning, Gilbert reaches up from his spot on the floor and turns the burner off. He stays on the floor for a while longer, until it seems he’s done all the crying he’s going to for the day. He gets up and throws the partially-burned food in the trash. He’s not interested in eating, anyway. He opens the fridge to get another beer but decides he’s not interested in drinking, either. He goes out to the patio and lights up a cigarette.

Though he’s no longer crying, he’s still very much in pain. It’s not a sharp pain. His chest aches. It feels empty. He hopes Ludwig isn’t gone for good, but he would have no one but himself to blame if he never sees him again.

He smokes another cigarette before he gives up on the day and decides to go to bed early. He regrets that decision as soon as he lies down alone in a bed that still smells like his brother and former lover.

He goes to the guest bedroom and gets in bed. He barely starts to drift off to sleep when his phone buzzes, alerting him to a message from Matthew. It’s a photo of Matthew and Francis, making goofy faces for the camera, along with the note, _“Thanks again for touring Paris with me. I had a lot of fun.”_

Gilbert doesn’t respond. He turns his phone off. He can’t deal with any more human interaction for the day. Several hours later, he finally falls asleep.

\--------------------

For the next three days, Gilbert doesn’t see or hear from Ludwig. On the fourth day, when he gets home from work, half of everything is gone. Half of the bedroom closet is empty. Half of the toiletries are missing from the bathroom. Ludwig’s dresser has been cleared out. It hits Gilbert hard. His brother is gone, and he’s not coming back.


	8. I Will Do Anything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gilbert misses his brother. He seeks advice on how to deal with his heartbreak.

After Ludwig moves out, Gilbert is crushed. He has never been so heartbroken after a ‘breakup,’ for lack of a better word to describe the end of their relationship.

He misses Ludwig badly. It’s painful. Before he gets home from work, he has to remind himself that no one will be there, otherwise he starts thinking about what Ludwig might like for dinner. When he’s home, he periodically looks toward the front door, as though Ludwig is going to walk through it at any minute, and wants to cry when he remembers that’s not going to happen.

He’s overcome with grief, to the point of making himself sick. He stays home from work for a couple of torturous days, feverish and coughing, not feeling well enough to do anything but lie in the bed he used to share with the man he loves.

He repeatedly pores over the sequence of events that culminated in Ludwig’s leaving, searching for unheeded signs of what was to come, but he finds none. He came home from Paris, they had some really awesome sex, they talked about his trip, he started cooking dinner…and that was it. With no warning, it was over. He was blindsided.

Gilbert doesn’t understand why Ludwig ended things. Had he been planning to end things for a while, or was it spur-of-the-moment?

What Gilbert does understand is that Ludwig left because he admitted to being in love with him. He loathes himself for not having the good sense to keep his fucking mouth shut. The regret is unbearable.

He misses Ludwig. He misses his touch. He jerks off, stuffing his fingers inside himself, but it’s a frustratingly poor substitute for what Ludwig used to do to him. He wants so badly to kiss Ludwig’s lips, to feel his tongue against his, to suck his cock, to take him inside his farthest depths.

Having a ‘with benefits’ relationship with the object of his unrequited love hurt, but having him gone hurts even more. He would give anything to have Ludwig back.

\--------------------

A few weeks after Ludwig leaves, Matthew sends Gilbert a message: _“I miss Paris. It was beautiful.”_

The message is accompanied by a photo of Gilbert in front of the stairs inside the Palais Garnier. It’s a very good photo, perfectly capturing the gorgeous styling of the opera house, with its marble floors and columns and intricately-designed sculptures, chandeliers and ceiling artwork.

It’s also a good photo of Gilbert. He looks carefree, a natural smile gracing his face, with only a hint of a smirk involved. He remembers that he was happy that day, but recollection of the actual sensation of being happy eludes him.

He feels bad that he never responded to Matthew’s message from almost a month ago. He doesn’t want to be an asshole and ignore him again, so he responds candidly, _“Yeah, being home sucks.”_

\--------------------

A month after Ludwig leaves, Gilbert is exhausted, emotionally and physically. He’s tired of thinking about nothing but his brother. Outside of dragging himself to work, he spends his days at home, sitting in his late father’s favorite chair in the living room, numbly drinking beer.

Normally, he’s able to find at least marginal success in avoiding thinking or feeling, but one day, the bookshelf in the room catches his eye. He sets his beer on the end table, stands up, and walks over to the shelf, his eyes scanning the childhood memories it contains: the family’s favorite books and several decades’ worth of school yearbooks and photo albums, including his parents’ wedding album and his and Ludwig’s baby books.

He pulls Ludwig’s baby book from the shelf, sits cross-legged on the floor, and opens the book. The first page contains a photograph of the sleeping newborn, a swirl of light hair on top of his head. On the page across from the photo is baby Ludwig’s footprint.

Gilbert reaches out a shaking hand and touches the footprint. He sobs, and tears stream all the way down his face and neck, soaking into his shirt collar.

He recalls the first time he held his little brother. Until that moment, he had been upset that he would no longer be an only child, but as soon as a tiny, bundled-up Ludwig was placed in his arms, he changed his mind. He was so proud to be an older brother. He was going to be the most awesome big brother in history, he just knew it! Five-year-old Gilbert couldn’t wait until Ludwig was old enough to play with him. He was going to show Ludwig all the things he loved: his favorite toys and bugs and places to hide when he knew he had gotten himself in trouble. They were going to be the best of friends forever.

When he got older, he wanted to guide Ludwig away from the mistakes he made as a teenager and young adult, but as it turned out, Ludwig was simply a much more sensible decision-maker than he ever was, with a natural tendency to avoid doing things he’d later regret.

All Gilbert ever wanted was for Ludwig to be happy, but he selfishly steered him in completely the opposite direction. His little brother came to him, reeling from his first big heartbreak, and he responded in the most insane way possible, giving him a fucking blowjob, of all things! If that wasn’t bad enough, he subsequently neglected to take advantage of any one of the many points along the way where he had an opportunity to stop things from getting further out of control.

Only now does he understand exactly what he lost. His precious little brother no longer wants to have anything to do with him, because he chose getting fucked over cherishing their irreplaceable relationship as brothers.

The realization hurts more than Ludwig’s leaving did. He wants to call him and beg for forgiveness, but he doesn’t think he has the right to ask until he can look Ludwig in the eye and tell him he’s completely over his inappropriate feelings for him. He closes Ludwig’s baby book and puts it back in its place on the shelf full of happy memories he doesn’t deserve.

\--------------------

After realizing the magnitude of what he lost, Gilbert is no longer able to use the memory of being with his brother as masturbation fodder.

A couple times, he picks up a random guy at a bar, to try to give himself some pleasure and distraction, but he finds the sex deathly boring. Both times, he leaves as soon as they’re done.

\--------------------

Two months after Ludwig leaves, Matthew sends another message: _“Hey. How’s it going?”_

Gilbert laughs bitterly under his breath at the thought that the only person who gives a fuck about how he’s doing lives a third of the way around the world from him. _“Meh.”_

 _“That good, eh?”_ Gilbert doesn’t answer for several minutes, so Matthew follows up with, _“Does the story behind things being meh start with the words there’s a guy?”_

_“Maybe.”_

_“I’m here, if you want to talk about it. We could video chat, and you can see that I’m not always grumpy as fuck first thing in the morning.”_

The frown lines around Gilbert’s eyes soften at Matthew’s kind offer. He knows he would probably feel better if he talked to someone, but he’s not ready yet, so he deflects. _“I would want to see proof of that in person.”_

_“You are welcome to come visit. I’m a mere fourteen hours of air travel away.”_

Gilbert hadn’t remembered it taking so long to get to North America. _“What the fuck? What end of that damn continent do you live on?”_

_“The far away one. I live in Vancouver.”_

_“Ah. That also explains why you think it’s first thing in the morning. I thought you were proud of yourself for being awake at 10 am, but it’s 7 where you are, right?”_

_“Yep. I have to take off to get to work, but I was serious about talking. Message me anytime. If I’m sleeping or at work, I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.”_

_“Thanks. Have fun making maple syrup. I assume that’s what you do for a living,”_ Gilbert jokes.

Matthew’s final message of the conversation is, _“Mmm, maple syrup. Yum.”_

\--------------------

Another month passes. Over the three months Ludwig has been gone, Gilbert has slipped further and further into depression. The negative emotions he’s dealt with since the night he first kissed his brother – the guilt and self-loathing – are more intense than ever. He feels like a worthless piece of shit, because, despite the clarity with which he sees that falling in love with his brother cost him their relationship, he is still not completely over those feelings. He contritely accepts never seeing Ludwig again as punishment for his myriad of failings.

He gets through each day by leaning on his usual coping mechanisms: smoking, drinking, refusing to feed himself properly, and focusing on work. He isolates himself, speaking to no one, other than for necessary, work-related conversations. He’s painfully lonely, and he doesn’t believe he deserves any better.

\--------------------

On one particularly dreary, lonely day, Matthew sends a message. It’s a photo featuring grey, raining skies, along with the complaint, _“It will not stop fucking raining here.”_

Gilbert snaps a photo of the view from his office, showing that Berlin’s sky can be every bit as overcast and rainy as Vancouver’s. _“Well, you whiny Vancouverian, it has rained for three straight days here, so I don’t feel sorry for you,”_ Gilbert snarks.

Matthew sends back a selfie of him sticking out his tongue, with the retort, _“We’re called Vancouverites, thank you very much, and November is our rainiest month. Feel free to complain to me after you’ve gotten 200mm of rain in a month.”_

Gilbert had forgotten how easy on the eyes Matthew is, even when he’s making a silly face. He replies with a selfie of him flipping the camera off.

 _“I will forever cherish this picture of you, Gilbert,”_ Matthew responds sarcastically.

Gilbert smiles for the first time in months.

\--------------------

The harsh, gloomy winter weather of mid-December matches Gilbert’s mood. It’s been four months since the brothers have seen or spoken to each other.

Their aunt calls Gilbert, to invite them over for Christmas, but he declines, lyingly saying he has plans to spend the holiday with his boyfriend’s family. His aunt asks if Ludwig will be able to come, and he wants to cry. He can’t tell her that he has no idea, that they aren’t on speaking terms, so he puts on a cheerful voice and tells her he’s not sure but that he’ll have Ludwig call and let her know.

He texts Ludwig, _“Aunt Louise invited us over for Christmas. I declined. Please call her and let her know if she can expect you.”_

The response from Ludwig is simply the word _“Ok.”_

Gilbert hoped he was done crying over his brother, but here he is, crying again. It’s hard enough on him when he and Ludwig don’t speak at all, but to have the only interaction between them in months be so brief and emotionless makes him feel like he’s been punched in the sternum.

\--------------------

Spending the holiday alone is awful. Gilbert knew it wouldn’t be fun, but it’s worse than he imagined. Being in his childhood home, he’s bombarded with happy memories that feel more like salt in a wound than heartwarming, because they’re a reminder of what he lost.

He hopes Ludwig took Aunt Louise up on her offer. He hopes Ludwig isn’t lonely and miserable, like he is.

\--------------------

Having the week between Christmas and New Year’s off work causes the days to pass at an excruciatingly slow pace. Gilbert has nothing to do besides feel remorseful. He feels like there’s a hand reaching through his ribs, crushing his heart. He can scarcely make it through half a day without crying.

The urge to call Ludwig, to beg him for forgiveness, is stronger than ever, but he fights the impulse, certain Ludwig is better off without his utter failure of an older brother dragging him down. He would at least like to call Ludwig to make sure he’s happy and doing well, but he can’t imagine that Ludwig is any worse off without him.

He wants – honestly, _needs_ – to talk to someone about what he’s going through, but there is no one to talk to. He kept their relationship completely secret, and he won’t risk revealing it now, not even to his most trusted friends. He decides to keep his misery to himself.

By December 29, he feels like he’s going to go insane if he doesn’t talk to someone. Matthew crosses his mind as someone who would listen. He has already heard part of the story. Still, Gilbert hesitates, because he’s not willing to tell the whole truth. He also makes the excuse of not wanting to disturb anyone during the holidays. He wouldn’t want to take Matthew away from spending time with family.

Once he realizes he’s gone through a dozen-and-a-half cigarettes today and it’s not even dinnertime, he takes it as a sign that he’s dangerously close to his breaking point.

He decides to send a message to Matthew. _“Hey. You’re probably trying to enjoy the holidays, but I was wondering if you have a few minutes to listen to the problems of an idiot,”_ he types into the message box. He hovers a finger over the backspace key, considering deleting what he has typed. With an annoyed sigh directed at his own cowardice, he slams his phone down on the table without sending the message and walks away.

After stepping outside into a nasty rain/snow mix for a smoke for the nineteenth time today, he comes back in and picks up his phone. He backspaces a few dozen times, leaving simply the word _“Hey.”_ He gathers courage and hits the send button.

Not three seconds later, he gets a reply. _“Save me! It’s day six of being with my family, and I’m contemplating homicide.”_

Gilbert smiles despite his mood. Before he can reply, Matthew sends another message. _“Sorry! That was rude. Happy holidays, Gilbert! How are you?”_

 _“Happy holidays, Matthew. Please don’t murder anyone.”_ He pauses to contemplate how best to start the conversation. _“To answer your question, I’ve been better.”_

 _“I’m sorry to hear that. Do you want to talk about it?”_ After a moment, another message comes through. _“I swear I’m not just looking for an excuse to get away from my mother.”_

_“If you don’t mind, I actually would like to talk.”_

_“Of course. I don’t mind. Do you want to video chat?”_ Matthew offers.

Gilbert doesn’t want to risk being seen crying. _“No, let’s just type.”_

 _“Ok,”_ Matthew responds, _“I’ll get you started. There’s a guy…”_

Gilbert wishes his brother was just ‘a guy,’ but that’s as good a way as any to start the story, so he sends the message, _“There’s a guy…”_

He has thought through what he might say if he talked to someone, so the rest of the words come fairly easily. He bombards Matthew with a long series of messages: _“Let’s just say he’s not entirely available and leave it at that… I made some poor decisions that led to our relationship turning sexual… Then I fell in love with him… I knew he didn’t feel the same, but I kept sleeping with him… He ended things a couple months ago… I miss him… I’ve known him forever… This is the longest we’ve ever gone without talking.”_

After Gilbert says nothing else for a minute, Matthew responds, _“I’m sorry. That must be very hard on you.”_ He then says, _“May I ask a question?”_

_“Sure.”_

_“Do you miss him as a lover or as a friend?”_

‘Friend’ isn’t the right word, but he understands what Matthew is trying to ask. _“Both, kind of… But it’s not a good idea for us to be lovers, even if he wanted to… I want to get back what we had before I fucked things up.”_

_“Have you tried reaching out to him?”_

Gilbert swallows hard. It’s not like he hasn’t been tempted a million times. _“No.”_

_“May I ask why not?”_

He tells Matthew what he tells himself each time he’s tempted to call Ludwig. _“He deserves better.”_

_“He deserves better than a friend who obviously cares about him very much?”_

Gilbert does care about Ludwig, more than anything in the world. He takes a deep breath that threatens to turn into a sob and answers, _“I don’t want to see him until I can say in 100% honesty I’m not in love with him anymore. I’m at maybe 80%.”_

 _“I get that, but you’re miserable not having him in your life, right?... What if he’s miserable too?... What if he’s holding back from reaching out because_ he _thinks_ you _deserve better?”_

Gilbert can’t imagine that Ludwig is miserable without him. All he can picture is how much it would hurt to have Ludwig reject him. Just thinking about it makes his eyes tear up. _“What if he doesn’t want to talk to me?”_

_“Well, tough shit for him! Corner him and make him listen.”_

Gilbert laughs through his tears. It’s good to see Matthew’s evil streak again. _“Corner him and say what, exactly?”_

_“What do you need him to know?”_

Gilbert’s fingers shake as they hover over the keys. Being honest about his emotions threatens to collapse the defensive wall he has been hiding behind for the past few months. A few tears escape his eyes as he articulates his desperation, _“I need him back in my life… I’m willing to do anything to make it happen… I will get down on my knees and beg.”_

_“That’s what you tell him.”_

Gilbert isn’t totally convinced that recovering his relationship with Ludwig is as simple as cornering him and speaking the truth, but he suspects, to his irritation, that he’s just gotten some solid advice. He wipes away his tears and replies, _“I’m not going to say you’re right.”_ He needs time to think Matthew’s advice over, so he changes the subject. _“Thanks for listening… Enough about that topic!... Tell me more about your family… Is your mother being annoying because she’s acting like her nephew Francis?”_

\--------------------

For the next two days, Gilbert debates whether to take Matthew’s advice. On New Year’s Eve, he makes his decision. He has an opportunity to confront his little brother, whether Ludwig wants to see him or not. They always visited their parents’ graves together on New Year’s Day, so he knows where Ludwig will be tomorrow.

Gilbert gets to the cemetery before sunrise in hopes of beating Ludwig there. He sees no sign of Ludwig, so he approaches his parents’ graves. Referring to himself as though he has lost the privilege of being part of the family, he says, “Please forgive me for what I did to your son. I promise I’m going to do everything in my power to make it right.”

He walks a distance away and waits for Ludwig. Fifteen minutes later, Ludwig arrives, with a bouquet of flowers in his hand. Gilbert’s stomach churns at the possibility of Ludwig telling him he never wants to see him again, but he can’t stand the silence between them any longer.

Gilbert walks toward Ludwig while Ludwig is occupied with placing the flowers on the graves. He stands in uneasy silence, with his hands stuffed in his coat pockets, waiting for Ludwig to notice him.

When Ludwig stands up, he looks shocked to see Gilbert. He doesn’t say anything.

Gilbert gets choked up before he even starts speaking, so it takes every bit of energy he can muster to stop himself from crying as he says, “I want my brother back.”

Ludwig still says nothing.

Gilbert swallows hard and continues, “What do I have to do to get my brother back?” He blinks back tears. “Please, I beg you. I will do anything.”

Ludwig looks upset, but Gilbert can’t ascertain anything beyond that. At length, Ludwig says, “I need more time.”

Gilbert is relieved just to hear his brother’s voice, and he’s happy he wasn’t rejected outright. He nods, saying sincerely, “Take as long as you need.”

Ludwig turns around, like he’s going to leave, but Gilbert says, “Wait. I already paid my respects. I’ll go.”

Gilbert walks away, heart aching, but with hope of rebuilding his relationship with Ludwig.


	9. Don’t Kiss Me Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gilbert gets back on speaking terms with Ludwig and starts talking to Matthew more frequently.

When Gilbert confronted Ludwig at the cemetery, Ludwig said he needed more time. Gilbert doesn’t know what that means. He would like it to mean he will hear from Ludwig in a few days, but knowing how much difficulty Ludwig has unraveling his own feelings, it could be months. It would not be unfair of him to take that long before reaching out; after all, their relationship got fucked up over the course of two years.

He has to get back to work after the holidays, so he can’t afford to fret about it. He pushes it to the back of his mind.

The following Saturday, there’s a knock at Gilbert’s door. He opens it and is shocked to see Ludwig. “Come in,” Gilbert says.

Gilbert closes the door behind Ludwig and takes a good look at his brother. He looks as bad as he had the night his fiancée dumped him. He’s dressed like it’s laundry day, his hair is still damp from showering, and dark circles under his eyes betray that he’s running short on sleep. Ludwig just stands in the entryway, so Gilbert motions toward the living room and says, “Sit down.”

“Do you want something to drink?” Gilbert offers. Ludwig goes to the living room and sits down but doesn’t respond, so Gilbert retrieves two bottles of beer from the kitchen and hands one to Ludwig. Gilbert sits on the couch adjacent to Ludwig’s chair. He quietly waits for his brother to speak.

“I’m so sorry,” Ludwig finally says, in a shaky voice, not looking at Gilbert, “I hurt you. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

Ludwig looks like he’s about to cry. Gilbert starts to reach out a hand, but he pulls it back, afraid to touch his brother, given their history of inappropriate physical contact. “It’s ok,” Gilbert says reassuringly, “If I got hurt, it was completely my fault. You don’t need to feel bad.”

The frown lines on Ludwig’s face deepen. He hesitantly asks, “Are you…still in love with me?”

Gilbert regrets everything he did that led to his brother asking this question. He regrets falling in love, and he regrets that he ever admitted to it, after he’d sworn to himself so many times that he would take knowledge of those feelings to his grave. He answers mostly-truthfully, “No.”

Ludwig acknowledges the answer with a nod. “I’ve never felt this guilty in my life. I hurt you without knowing it, and then I walked out once I realized how much I hurt you. I wanted to reach out, so many times, but I was afraid I would just hurt you more, so I stayed away.”

Ludwig lets out a pained, shuddering sigh that’s just short of a full-on sob, and Gilbert can now see that his theory that Ludwig has spent the past few months living blissfully without his incestuously infatuated brother was completely off the mark. Ludwig looks like he’s been every bit as lonely and miserable as he was. He wishes they’d been able to reconcile without five months of both of them being mired in guilt, but their relationship was broken enough that it wasn’t going to be fixed in a day.

Gilbert has no idea what he should be saying during his first conversation with his brother in almost half a year, so he quasi-jokingly says, “So, you think this whole thing is your fault, and I think this whole thing is my fault? It seems like fixing it should be as simple as telling each other ‘you’re wrong’ and moving on as brothers.”

Ludwig gives a small smile and says, “That sounds like a good plan.”

Gilbert and Ludwig make eye contact for the first time since Ludwig showed up at the door, and Gilbert is so relieved, he feels like he’s going to cry tears of joy. There’s a chance things between them might eventually go back to how they used to be. In a deceptively light-hearted tone, he asks a profoundly serious question, “Are you sure you want such a terrible brother back?”

Ludwig nods.

Gilbert is overwhelmed by the feeling of being liberated from the guilt that has run his life for the past couple years. He still doesn’t know what to say, and he’s afraid he might start crying, so he cracks a half-joke. “If I try anything weird, punch me in the face or something, ok? Don’t kiss me back.”

Ludwig laughs under his breath at his brother’s irreverent handling of a painfully serious topic and says, “I should be saying that to you. I was the one who always started things, remember?”

“Not always,” Gilbert counters, his smile slipping away. It may have been Ludwig who usually started things, but that doesn’t excuse Gilbert from how he used to give Ludwig anything and everything he asked for, to the detriment of their relationship.

The conversation goes quiet, with the two of them sipping their beers. A couple minutes later, Ludwig finishes his beer and says, “I should get going.”

Gilbert wants him to stay longer, but he also doesn’t want to press his luck. He considers today a big win, and he doesn’t want to take a step backwards. He stands up to see his brother to the door and says, “Thanks for coming over. I know I’ve said it before, but you are welcome here any time. This is still your home.”

“Thanks,” Ludwig responds.

Gilbert wants to hug his brother and tell him he loves him, but he doesn’t. He simply says “goodbye” as he closes the door behind Ludwig.

The reunion was bittersweet, but Gilbert feels a million times better than he did when he had given up on having his brother in his life. He doesn’t want to set his expectations too high, but he sees a glimmer of hope the damage done to their relationship isn’t permanent.

He wants to thank Matthew for the ‘corner him and make him listen’ advice. It’s four in the morning in Vancouver, but Matthew did say Gilbert could message him, even if he’s asleep. Plus, Matthew will probably forgive him for sending a message so early, if the message is flattering enough. He sends the message, _“Thank you. You were right.”_

Two hours later, Matthew replies, _“You're welcome… We’re talking about There’s A Guy, right?”_

Gilbert laughs at the use of capital letters in ‘There’s A Guy.’ He asks, _“Is that his name?”_

_“Is it not?”_

Using a code name seems like a good idea, so Gilbert rolls with it. _“It is, obviously.”_

_“You got There’s A Guy back as a friend?”_

A lot more progress needs to be made before Gilbert will feel like he has gotten Ludwig ‘back,’ so he answers, _“We had a good conversation. It will take time to get back what we had.”_

_“That’s good to hear… Good night. I’m going back to sleep.”_

\--------------------

Gilbert and Matthew start talking every week. With the time difference, it’s easiest to instant message on Saturdays, when it’s evening for Gilbert and morning for Matthew. Their conversations are enjoyable, even if all they talk about is work or the weather.

\--------------------

Gilbert expected that maybe a week or two would pass before he would hear from Ludwig again, but it’s been a month since the brothers reconciled, and the distance between them still feels huge. Gilbert was hoping they would get together or at least talk regularly, to close the gap, little by little. He doesn’t want to seem pushy, but he’s tired of waiting for Ludwig to reach out, so he texts him and invites him over for dinner. Ludwig agrees, and they make plans for Saturday after next.

\--------------------

Over the course of a few weeks’ worth of conversations, Gilbert and Matthew learn more about each other. Gilbert finds out that Matthew works in the sales operations department of a company that distributes maple syrup, among other consumer packaged goods. Gilbert declares that his previous guess that Matthew makes maple syrup was essentially correct, despite Matthew’s insistence that he sits at a computer all day.

When Gilbert expresses his love of authentic Canadian maple syrup, Matthew sends him a photo of a syrup-logged stack of pancakes and says, _“Come visit. I’ll make you breakfast.”_

Gilbert is mid-cigarette-drag when he reads the message, which launches him into a coughing fit. Is it just his imagination, or is Matthew propositioning him? He decides to ask. _“Are you coming on to me, or are you just trying to make me jealous of what you’re currently eating?”_

 _“Yes,”_ is Matthew’s reply.

Gilbert is surprised by Matthew’s flirtation. He was operating under the assumption that Matthew still held his panicking-in-response-to-being-kissed against him. He doesn’t quite know how to respond. He hasn’t play-flirted with anyone in eons. He’s not sure he remembers how to. After a minute of trying to think of something witty to say, he comes up with, _“If I visit, keep in mind that I’m old. I need at least twenty minutes between rounds… Rounds of doing shots, that is.”_

_“That’s fine, as long as you’re up for at least three intense rounds in a row… I’m also talking about doing shots, of course.”_

\--------------------

The following Saturday, Matthew convinces Gilbert to video chat. Gilbert sees Matthew and smiles like a pre-teen girl with a crush. He thinks exactly what he thought when they were on the Paris tour: Matthew is beautiful. He catches himself acting like an idiot and forces his face to calm down.

As Matthew talks about his weekend plans, Gilbert’s mind wanders. He imagines that if they were speaking in person, he wouldn’t be able to stop himself from touching Matthew’s hair. It looks more natural than it did when they were in Paris. Thinking about Paris leads to regretting how things went with Matthew while they were there. He feels stupid for not noticing their mutual attraction until they were making out on the bed in Matthew’s hotel room.

Matthew catches Gilbert spacing out and asks, “What are you thinking about?”

Gilbert lies about what’s on his mind. “There’s a curl at the front of your hair that seems to have a mind of its own.”

Matthew clucks disapprovingly at the rogue curl and tries to tame it using the hand that isn’t holding his phone. He flattens back the willful strand a couple times, but it bounces right back, dangling in front of his face. He sighs. “I give up. I air dried my hair today. This is what it does when I don’t studiously use the hair dryer and army of products Francis forced me to buy.”

“I think it looks good.”

The genuine compliment must catch Matthew off-guard, because Gilbert swears he can see a blush creep onto his face.

They talk for a while longer, and then they make plans to video chat again next Saturday.

After the call ends, Gilbert wonders if he might be able to pull off being in a relationship with Matthew, if they didn’t live so far apart.

\--------------------

The following Saturday, Gilbert procrastinates on getting ready for dinner with Ludwig. His brother is slated to show up in three hours, and he still needs to clean, run to the grocery store, and cook. He decides to contact Matthew earlier than their normal time and let him know he doesn’t have much time to talk today. He initiates a video chat and is blessed with a hot, shirtless, but very sleepy man answering his call. It had honestly slipped Gilbert’s mind that it’s early enough where Matthew is that he might still be asleep.

"Oh, shit...I woke you up...," Gilbert says apologetically.

“Wait,” Matthew mumbles, refusing to open his eyes, “Don’t talk yet. Just…bear with me for a minute. I swear, I’ll wake up.” He flops back down on his pillow, and Gilbert gets an eyeful of Matthew’s bare chest and stomach, including the dusting of dishwater blond hair that continues down beyond what's captured by the camera. Matthew makes a tired whimpering noise and hugs a white stuffed animal, obscuring the lovely view Gilbert was enjoying.

“Ok. I’m ready to talk,” Matthew says, finally opening his gorgeous eyes, only to grab his glasses from the nightstand and put them on, to Gilbert’s disappointment. Once the glasses go on, Matthew looks at his phone, gives an exaggerated look of recognition, and says, “Ah, Gilbert, it’s you. I couldn’t tell without my glasses.”

“You couldn’t tell just from my voice?” Gilbert asks, with a smirk.

“No. I flirt with a _lot_ of German men. I couldn’t tell which one you were,” Matthew jokes, flashing a beautiful smile. His eyes then narrow in annoyance. “Gilbert,” he says accusingly, “Do you know what time it is?”

“Yeah… Sorry. I didn’t realize how early it is when I called,” Gilbert apologizes, “I have a million things to do before my brother comes over for dinner, but I wanted to talk to you for a few minutes first.”

“I almost apologized to you! I thought I had overslept.” With a yawn, Matthew says, “No wonder I’m so fucking tired.”

“I’m sorry. I’ll let you go, so you can go back to sleep.”

“I won’t forgive you,” Matthew says, in an affected threatening tone, his trademark hint of evil appearing on his face.

“No?” Gilbert asks, with an equally evil smirk on his face.

“No. I won’t forgive a friend for waking me up early on the weekend. Maybe if you were more than a friend…” Matthew shrugs, to indicate he might consider forgiveness, in that case.

“‘More than a friend’?” Gilbert echoes, feigning pensiveness, “How would that work – hypothetically, of course – between two people who live on different continents?”

One side of Matthew’s mouth curls up in a smile, like he can tell the question isn’t hypothetical at all. “I think they would have to start out by talking regularly.”

“Ok. Done,” Gilbert says, keeping a completely straight face, “What’s next?”

A full smile lights up Matthew’s face, and he says, “The next step is for you to go get ready for dinner with your brother, and video chat me tomorrow, at an hour when I’m awake.”

Gilbert gives a smile back and says, “All right, I will. Now, go put on a shirt, before someone else sees you looking like that.”

“Just a shirt?” Matthew asks teasingly, panning his phone down and pulling the covers back a little, revealing nothing but bare skin where one might expect to see the top part of a pair of boxers.

With the reveal that Matthew is wearing nothing, Gilbert’s libido is suddenly very resentful of the geographic distance between them. “Shit,” he swears under his breath. “I had almost forgotten you’re related to Francis.”

Doing his best impression of Francis, Matthew says, in French, “Goodbye, my love. I will talk to you tomorrow.” He blows a kiss to Gilbert and ends the call.

Gilbert stands stunned, grinning like an idiot. After a minute he muses out loud to no one, “Do I have a boyfriend?”

The time displayed on his phone snaps him out of his stupor. He scurries around, quickly doing last-minute cleaning, running to the grocery store, and cooking dinner.

He finishes up with time to spare, even accounting for the fact that Ludwig always shows up at least ten minutes early, and he spends the extra minutes reveling in how well things are going for him lately. Not only is his relationship with Ludwig on the path to recovery, but a very likeable, good-looking man, with whom he has great chemistry, has apparently agreed to long-distance date him. He hasn’t been this happy in years.

When Ludwig arrives, ten minutes _late_ , Gilbert senses that something is troubling Ludwig. He’s glad he’s still able to read his brother’s state of mind, but he doesn’t know what to say or do to help.

Gilbert had planned to tell Ludwig about the progress in his relationship with Matthew, but the mood seems wrong for it, and he can’t think of anything else to say. Dinner is eaten mostly in uncomfortable silence, until Ludwig speaks. “I’m sorry.” Gilbert looks up, surprised by the sudden apology, and Ludwig continues, “I’m sorry for all the things I did to you.”

Gilbert frowns. He had really hoped their last conversation covered all the apologizing that needed to happen between them. “You don’t need to apologize. You didn’t do anything to me I didn’t want you to do.”

“But…,” Ludwig struggles to articulate what he’s trying to say, “I never even bothered to talk to you about…what you do or don’t like…” He covers his face in embarrassment. “God, this is awkward.” He takes his hands off his face and draws a deep breath, continuing, “I just _assumed_ you were ok…you know…being on the receiving end.”

Gilbert exhales a dismissive laugh and quips, “Yeah. Typical straight guy.”

Ludwig doesn’t laugh. “Am I?” he asks sternly.

“Are you what? Straight?” Gilbert asks, genuinely confused by the question, “Yeah, of course you are.”

“I know I am, but who would ever believe me if they knew about us?” Ludwig asks, his troubling thoughts bubbling to the surface.

“I believe you,” Gilbert offers, sincere but aware his assurances are falling increasingly flat.

Ludwig asks, voice tense and raised, “What woman in her right mind would agree to date me, much less marry me and have my children, if she knew about us?”

The question refers more to their former relationship’s incestuous nature than its homosexual nature, and Gilbert isn’t sure what comforting words he can offer. Before he has a chance to think about it more, Ludwig slams his knife and fork down, in an uncharacteristic loss of temper, shaking the table.

“Sorry, I’m going to go,” Ludwig says, in a measured voice that doesn’t quite cover his agitation.

As Ludwig stands and leaves, Gilbert just sits at the table, disappointed but not surprised by how their first attempt at acting like normal brothers again went. Getting Ludwig back in his life after what he did wasn’t going to be easy, and he knew it. Seeing regret and despair on his brother’s face was an undeniable reminder of that fact.

Gilbert holds his suddenly-aching head in his hands. Ludwig’s words sting. Gilbert is in exactly the same boat. What man in his right mind would agree to date him if he knew what kind of relationship he had with his brother? Would Matthew want to be ‘more than friends’? It seems doubtful.

Even if Gilbert thought Matthew might be crazy enough to overlook incest, having a boyfriend is the last thing in the world Gilbert should be trying to do. It’s his fault his brother holds out no hope he will be able to share his life with someone. He doesn’t deserve to have what he caused Ludwig to lose.

\--------------------

The next day, Gilbert waits until it’s three in the morning in Vancouver and sends an instant message to Matthew: _“Sorry. I’m not ready for this.”_


	10. Selfish & Short-Sighted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gilbert and Ludwig exchange overdue apologies.

The brothers’ first attempt in half a year at eating a meal together was an unqualified disaster. Gilbert blames himself. When Ludwig expressed his understandable displeasure with how badly Gilbert fucked his life up, he carelessly tossed ineffective words of comfort across the dinner table, which only upset Ludwig more. Even worse, Ludwig has apologized multiple times for everything that happened between them, but he has yet to, and that surely didn’t help the evening’s outcome.

Being patient is not Gilbert’s strong suit, but he’s going to wait for Ludwig to reach out to him, which will give him time to think of better, more comforting words to say the next time Ludwig is upset, along with preparing a proper apology.

When Gilbert gets home from work three days later, Ludwig’s car is parked in front of the house. He cautiously goes inside, not sure what kind of mood his little brother is going to be in. He doesn’t find him inside, but movement on the back patio catches his eye. He goes outside and finds his brother sitting on the patio, smoking a cigarette he assumes was stolen from his stash in the pantry. Gilbert squelches the urge to chastise his brother for smoking and waits for Ludwig to speak, lighting a cigarette of his own and standing next to Ludwig’s chair.

“I’m an asshole,” Ludwig says, not looking at Gilbert. The full weight of his poor decisions over the past few years has caught up with him. His words and scratchy, strained voice only betray a fraction of his frustration with himself.

Ludwig takes a long drag from his cigarette, letting the smoke out with a sigh, and continues, “I’m a selfish, short-sighted bastard, who used to screw his own brother, for no better reason than ‘because it felt good.’ Even when I thought about someone else for a change and stopped sleeping with my brother, I kept being selfish and short-sighted, running away so I wouldn’t have to face the fact that I had broken his heart.”

Looking up at Gilbert, Ludwig asks desperately, “Shit, Gilbert, have I changed, or have I always been a horrible human being? I swear I used to be a good person.”

Gilbert has vast experience with self-hatred, but this is his first time seeing it on his brother. It hurts his heart. “You are still a good person, Ludwig,” he assures him, “though I think you might have selective memory loss. You seem to have forgotten my part in this mess.”

Gilbert takes a couple steps across the patio, so he can look Ludwig directly in the eyes. He drops all the sarcasm from his tone, giving Ludwig a glimpse into the intense feelings of anger he holds toward himself. “I did everything wrong. I kissed you when I should have hugged you. I offered to suck you off when I should have offered you a beer. I handed you lube and a condom and spread my legs when I should have said, ‘No, dumbass, you can’t fuck me; I’m your brother, and you’ll regret it.’”

Gilbert concludes sternly, “I’ll let you take a small portion of the blame, if it makes you feel better, but you were not the biggest selfish, short-sighted bastard in that relationship we used to have.”

Ludwig looks away from Gilbert again. Both men smoke their cigarettes in silence for a minute, letting the intensity of the conversation diffuse. Then, Ludwig says, “Gilbert?”

“Yeah?”

“Why the hell do you smoke these? They’re awful.”

Gilbert laughs under his breath and says, “Stop it. You’ll hurt my feelings. That’s my one and only hobby you’re insulting.”

Ludwig puts out his cigarette and shivers.

It’s not warm outside, so Gilbert says, “Let’s go inside and drink some beer.”

They walk inside, and Ludwig sits at the table.

Gilbert brings out two bottles of beer and sits across from Ludwig. He needs more time to think about the best way to apologize, but he wants to say the reassuring words he has had on his mind for the past few days, even if Ludwig is not quite in a frame of mind to believe them yet.

Ludwig appears to be examining the wood grain of the table, so Gilbert says, “Hey, Ludwig. Look at me.” Ludwig looks up, and Gilbert compassionately but resolutely says, “You are a good man, Ludwig. What happened between us was a mistake. How bad you feel about it is proof that you are a good man. You will find a good woman, one you can trust, and she will love you for the good man you are and won’t judge you for your past mistakes. If she does judge you, bring her to me, and I’ll pound her face in.”

Ludwig gives Gilbert a skeptical glare. “You don’t really believe that.”

Gilbert smirks. “You’re right. I was using hyperbole. My little brother would kick my ass if I ever hit a woman.”

Ludwig rolls his eyes in annoyance at the poorly-timed joke and says, “I mean, it would be easier to take your word for it if you believed all those optimistic words you just said apply to you, too.”

Gilbert sarcastically acknowledges his own hypocrisy, but he means every word when he says, “Ah, yes, well, as the older brother, it’s my responsibility to take on all the guilt, self-loathing and pessimism for both of us.”

Ludwig shakes his head but keeps his mouth shut, knowing it’s futile to argue the point any further. After he finishes his beer, he says, “Can we try dinner again this Saturday? I promise not to act like a prick this time.”

Gilbert nods, vastly understating how relieved he is Ludwig still wants to spend time with him.

“See you then,” Ludwig says, getting up to leave.

Gilbert sees him to the door, saying, “Goodnight.” He closes the door, gets himself another beer, and steps out onto the back patio for another cigarette. If it wasn’t already obvious he needs to apologize, seeing Ludwig so miserable made it clear. Initially, he had hoped his relationship with his brother would organically heal, without either of them having to verbalize his remorse, but looking back, that was a cowardly excuse. Really, he just lacks the balls required to say ‘I’m sorry.’

By the time he finishes his cigarette, Gilbert decides to apologize to Ludwig when he comes over on Saturday, even though it will probably lead to yet another painful conversation. He spends the next four days mulling over what kind of apology he could give Ludwig that would even begin to cover how deeply he wronged him.

\--------------------

As Gilbert prepares for his and Ludwig’s second attempt at having dinner together, he runs through a final rehearsal of his apology in his head. He’s shaken from his thoughts when his phone buzzes. Matthew is requesting a video chat. Gilbert frowns and thinks, _Damn, he’s persistent._ He declines the call.

Matthew then sends several instant messages: _“I’m sorry. I moved too fast again… I obviously don’t know how to read a room… Just let me know when you’re ready. I’m ready whenever you are… Can we be just friends until then? I promise to behave myself.”_

The message was surely intended to be kind, but it doubles Gilbert’s stress level. He wants to take Matthew up on his offer. Actually, he would like to skip the ‘just friends’ phase and go straight to being more than friends, but he blew his chance of having that kind of relationship with Matthew before he ever met him. Matthew deserves better than a guy who has slept with his brother dozens of times. He doesn’t want to get his or Matthew’s hopes up, so he doesn’t reply.

When Ludwig arrives, he can tell Gilbert is faking being cheerful. He wants to thank Gilbert for his kind words, which he has been thinking about for the past four days. He would also like to give some kind words back to his brother, but it doesn’t seem like the words would get through.

Conversation is sparse. They’re nearly done eating dinner before Gilbert summons the courage to say what’s weighing on his mind. “At the risk of crying in front of you for the second time in your life, I need to say something to you.” Ludwig makes eye contact, and Gilbert finally says the words out loud. “I’m sorry.”

Gilbert takes a deep, slow breath, hoping upon hope he doesn’t start crying, and says, “From the first time I held you in my arms, I knew I loved you. I wanted you by my side – as my brother – for the rest of my life. But I was an idiot. I lost sight of how important my baby brother is to me. If someone had offered me the opportunity to give up being your brother in exchange for being your lover, I would have taken it, in a heartbeat. It makes me sick to think of it now. I beg you, please forgive your foolish, debauched, sad-excuse-for-a-human-being brother.”

Gilbert is relieved he made it through his speech without crying, but he thinks he might lose his composure if Ludwig says anything nice.

This is perhaps the most honesty Ludwig has ever gotten out of Gilbert. He feels he owes Gilbert honesty in return. He pushes aside his discomfort with emotional conversations and speaks from the heart.

“I forgive you,” Ludwig says, “I need to ask for your forgiveness as well. When we were kids, you were everything I wished I was. You were gregarious, fun, and proud. I was shy, boring, and afraid of what other people thought of me. But you always believed in me and treated me like we were equals. I would be a cripplingly withdrawn adult, if not for the self-confidence you gave me.”

Ludwig takes a few seconds to gather his thoughts and continues, “I knew I was childishly taking advantage of how good you are to me, when I used you as a shoulder to cry on and as someone keep me warm at night. It took me a while to realize it was much worse than that.” With shame, he admits, “I made the exchange. I traded my big brother for a friend with benefits.” Getting choked-up, he concludes, “It was a huge mistake. I want to trade back. I don’t want you to be ‘that guy I used to sleep with.’ I want you to be my big brother again.”

Ludwig sees tears drip onto Gilbert’s dinner plate. He knows better than to point it out, or else Gilbert will put on his false happy face and pretend nothing is wrong. While he has his brother being honest, he decides to give his kind words from the other night back to him.

“You’re a good man, Gilbert. What happened between us was a mistake. I know you blame yourself for it, but you should cut yourself a break, because you weren’t the only adult in the room at the time. You will find someone who loves you and who won’t judge you, even when you tell him all your secrets, which I _insist_ you do, because it isn’t your responsibility to keep my secrets for me.”

More tears drop from Gilbert’s eyes. “It is,” he says, in a shaky voice.

“It is not,” Ludwig counters, concluding, “If he does judge you, just show him a picture of me in a tank top. I work out far more often than you do, and he’ll be too intimidated to say anything else bad about my awesome big brother.”

Gilbert laughs through the tears for a couple seconds, but crying wins out. “Fuck,” he sobs, “I’m German; I’m not supposed to be seen crying like this.”

Ludwig stands up, walks around to Gilbert’s side of the table, and gestures for Gilbert to stand up.

Gilbert stands and faces his brother, who is barely containing his own tears.

Ludwig puts his arms around his brother and hugs him. He feels Gilbert sob within the confines of his arms, and it makes him start crying.

Most of their tears are tears of happiness, or at least of relief. They each think, _It feels like this is the first time I’ve touched my brother in over two years._

The embrace is held for a couple of minutes, until Gilbert breaks it and says, “Sorry, I need to blow my nose.”

“Me too,” Ludwig says, chuckling, as he wipes tears from his face.

Gilbert grabs a handful of tissues from the bathroom and hands half of the pile to Ludwig. After noses are blown and tears are dried, Gilbert says, “Can we please make this the last apologizing we do? Can we just take each other’s word for it that we forgive each other?”

“Yes,” Ludwig answers, grateful for Gilbert’s wisdom in not dragging the apologies out any further than necessary.

“Can we make standing dinner plans? Second Saturday of the month?”

Ludwig nods in agreement and says, “I’ll cook next time.”

When Ludwig leaves, Gilbert as usual sees him to the door and says “goodbye,” biting his tongue when it tries to allow the words “I love you” to roll out of his mouth. He wonders how long the moratorium is on saying those three words after sleeping with a family member.

Eating a meal together once a month is a far cry from the relationship Gilbert wishes he could have with his little brother, but he is immensely grateful for how much closer they are now than they were a week ago.


	11. Security Blanket

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gilbert has continued success in improving his relationship with Ludwig, and he becomes fully aware of his feelings for Matthew.

When Ludwig arrives for the brothers’ next monthly dinner, he’s quiet and seems preoccupied. Gilbert doesn’t know if it’s related to their personal history or something else, and he’s at a loss for what to say.

He wishes he felt comfortable telling Ludwig he loves him. When they reconciled, he didn’t say it because he wasn’t completely over his inappropriate feelings for his brother. He is over those feelings now, but the thought of telling Ludwig he loves him is too reminiscent of that fateful night when he said those words to Ludwig several times, followed by the kissing that led to their relationship spiraling out of control.

But when Ludwig sighs for the third time, the words spill out of Gilbert’s mouth. “I love you.”

Ludwig sets his fork down and gives Gilbert a leery look.

“Not in the wrong way,” Gilbert backtracks. “I just…you seem lost in thought, and…well, it’s probably my fault…but either way, no matter how shitty things get, remember that you have at least one person in your life who loves you and cares about you, even if it is just me.”

Ludwig’s mouth opens, but he doesn’t speak right away. Gilbert is terrified this is going to end with Ludwig walking out the door again, but Ludwig’s face softens, and he says, “I love you too, Gilbert.”

Gilbert had no idea adding that combination of words back to their vocabulary would be so moving, but tears are collecting at the corners of his eyes. He dabs them away and says, “It’s just your imagination if you think I’m crying right now.”

“Of course,” Ludwig says, generously humoring his brother. When they make eye contact again, he says, “Thank you for saying it.”

Gilbert feels like he might cry in front of Ludwig for the third time in his life, out of happiness, but he swallows it down and says, “Thank you for saying it back.”

Finally, the gap between him and Ludwig feels like it could be measured in kilometers rather than light-years.

\--------------------

The day after Gilbert and Ludwig utter the words ‘I love you’ to each other for the first time in months, Gilbert unexpectedly receives a message from Matthew: _“Hey. How’s it going?”_

Gilbert sees the message and shakes his head. This guy just doesn’t give up. Gilbert has to admit, ignoring Matthew is kind of a dick move, after how good a friend he was while Gilbert and Ludwig were estranged. But he still is concerned with getting either of their hopes up that they will end up being more than friends, so he responds bluntly: _“I can’t promise I’ll ever be ready for more.”_

_“I understand. I shouldn’t have pushed. I want us to be friends, even if we’re never anything more.”_

Gilbert continues to speak bluntly. _“You are a persistent motherfucker.”_

_“Unapologetically so, when I care about someone.”_

The idea that someone cares enough about him to be as persistent as Matthew has been scares Gilbert. It scares him to think there might be something real between them, because he’s fucked, regardless of what he chooses to do.

If he continues to ignore Matthew, that means he’s driving away potentially the one person in the world with the patience to put up with his emotional-baggage bullshit. But if he indulges Matthew (and himself, if he’s being honest) and moves forward in pursuing a relationship, he only has two options: either keep the fact that he used to be in a relationship with his brother a secret and build his relationship with Matthew on a foundation of untruth or tell Matthew the truth and risk their relationship going up in flames when Matthew finds out who he really is.

Just thinking about it gives Gilbert a colossal headache, so he changes the topic. _“What’s that stuffed animal you sleep with?”_

Matthew is confused by the non sequitur. _“???”_

 _“I’ve had more than my fill of serious conversations lately, so I’m changing the subject,”_ Gilbert explains.

There’s a pause before Matthew tells an obvious lie. _“I’m a grown man. I don’t sleep with a stuffed animal.”_

Gilbert calls bullshit. _“I saw you hug it the last time we video chatted.”_

_“Dammit. You found out my biggest secret… That’s my polar bear, Kuma. His full name is Kumayoshi… Kumatarou… It might be Kumajirou.”_

Gilbert chuckles out loud at Matthew’s apparent inability to remember his own stuffed animal’s name. _“You don’t know?”_

_“I’ve had him a long time! I can’t remember what I named him… He never remembers my name, either!”_

Between being caring, persistent and fun to talk to, Matthew is indeed making it difficult for Gilbert to stick to his guns on keeping his distance. Gilbert ends the conversation by saying, _“I’ll message you next Saturday.”_

Gilbert and Matthew go back to instant messaging every weekend. They don’t flirt or discuss anything serious; they just make small talk. Gilbert is at once embarrassed and grateful that it seems Matthew has caught on to how easily he scares.

\--------------------

A month later, when Ludwig comes over to Gilbert’s place, he offers to clear the table after dinner and get them each a fresh bottle of beer. Gilbert has two types of beer in his refrigerator, so Ludwig calls from the kitchen, “Which kind of beer do you want, brother?”

Gilbert is shocked to hear Ludwig call him ‘brother.’ They always called each other ‘brother,’ even during the period of time when they were sleeping together, but after things fell apart, it felt like sacrilege, which is why neither of them has referred to the other that way since they reconciled. Gilbert hopes this means they can start using the word normally again, but he feels it warrants a face-to-face conversation. He walks into the kitchen, and Ludwig apologizes. “I’m sorry… I guess I shouldn’t have said that.”

“No, it’s fine,” Gilbert assures him. “Actually, it’s better than ‘fine.’ I would like it if we could call each other ‘brother’ again. Also,” he adds, answering the initial question, “I’ll take a Spaten.”

Ludwig nods, acknowledging the agreement to use the word ‘brother’ freely, and opens a bottle of Spaten, handing it to Gilbert.

“Thank you, brother,” Gilbert says, and Ludwig actually smiles. That conversation was much easier than Gilbert thought it would be.

They go to the living room to drink their beer. A few minutes after they sit down, Ludwig throws out a question that’s been on his mind for a while. “Have you kept in touch with Matthew?”

Gilbert is surprised Ludwig even remembers Matthew’s name. He isn’t going to tell Ludwig about their long-distance-dating false start, but he answers, “Yeah. We were instant messaging before you came over.”

“Are you dating him?” Ludwig asks casually.

The question is completely unexpected. “What? No,” Gilbert replies, perhaps a bit too eagerly.

“Are you going to?”

“He’s just a friend,” Gilbert says, avoiding answering the question.

“I see,” Ludwig says sarcastically, pointedly rolling his eyes at Gilbert.

“What the…? Why are you asking this?” Gilbert asks, confused.

“So, you haven’t told him how you feel about him?”

“I don’t… I mean, he lives in Canada…,” Gilbert stammers. He gives up on trying to hide it and asks, “How do you know about that?”

Ludwig raises an eyebrow, surprised that Gilbert thought he had done a good job of keeping his feelings hidden. “It was obvious from the way you talked about him.”

The knowledge that Ludwig knew he had feelings for Matthew is the piece of the puzzle Gilbert had been missing. He briefly relives the pain of Ludwig leaving him. Thoughtlessly, he asks, “Did you dump me because of him?”

Ludwig frowns. “Please don’t word it like that.”

If Gilbert had put a second of thought into what he was saying, he would have avoided referring to Ludwig’s ending their sexual relationship as ‘dumping’ him. “Sorry, brother.”

“It’s ok,” Ludwig says, in response to Gilbert’s apology, his brow relaxing. Then, referring to Matthew, he says, “Don’t push him away.” Gilbert’s face shows surprise, but he doesn’t answer, so Ludwig asks, “You _already_ pushed him away, didn’t you?”

“No…,” Gilbert answers, unconvincingly. “Ok, I kind of did,” he confesses. In his defense, he says, “He lives on another continent. It would never work out, anyway.”

Ludwig shrugs. “If it’s really love, that won’t keep you apart.”

Gilbert _humphs_ and drinks his beer. He’s confident keeping Matthew at arm’s length is the right thing to do, but he can’t very well tell Ludwig their past relationship is the reason. Fortunately, Ludwig doesn’t press the issue any further.

When Ludwig leaves for the evening, Gilbert hugs him and says, “I love you, brother.”

Ludwig hugs him back and says, “I love you too, brother.”

Gilbert almost cries tears of joy again. He’s thrilled to have his brother back. He doesn’t know how he ever thought he might survive without him, whether because he successfully turned him into his lover or lost him trying.

\--------------------

The conversation with Ludwig about Matthew sticks with Gilbert. Ludwig tends to be terrible at understanding his own emotions, but he can be quite perceptive when it comes to other people’s feelings, so if he thinks what Gilbert is feeling for Matthew is _love_ , there’s a good chance it’s true.

Gilbert’s gut reaction to the thought of falling in love is to panic and push away from Matthew, but he’s fairly certain their friendship wouldn’t survive him doing that again. He repeatedly reminds himself that he doesn’t need to panic, because there’s an entire ocean and most of two continents between them. There’s only so far their relationship could possibly go, across that much distance.

\--------------------

The next time Ludwig comes over for dinner, the conversation goes well. For the first time, they avoid addressing their dark past. As Ludwig is leaving, he says, “I bought a grill and some patio furniture. Now that the weather is nice, would you like to come over to my place? We can eat dinner outside.”

Gilbert is over the moon that Ludwig trusts him enough to invite him over. “Sounds good. I'll bring beer,” he responds.

“Weekend after next?” Ludwig asks. “I was thinking maybe we could start getting together a couple times a month.”

Gilbert nearly chokes on his happiness. He had assumed Ludwig was offering to host next month’s dinner, but this is so much better. “That sounds great,” he says, trying not to let his smile engulf his entire face.

\--------------------

A few days later, Gilbert gets a message from Matthew that says, _“Can we video chat? I have something to ask, and I would rather not do it over text message.”_

He tries not to panic. He can’t imagine what Matthew wants to ask him. Hopefully, it’s nothing too serious. He takes calm, even breaths and replies, _“Sure.”_ He accepts Matthew’s video chat request.

“Hi,” Matthew says, with a smile, and Gilbert’s heart starts beating too fast and too hard. He realizes he’s either falling in love or has a serious medical problem. He thinks the latter is unlikely, though the former scares him far worse.

“Hello,” he responds, smiling back.

“So, um…,” Matthew starts, clearly a little nervous, and it’s not helping Gilbert stay calm. “I have some vacation time I need to use before the end of the year. I was thinking of visiting Paris again, sometime in the next few months, you know, while the weather is nice, and I was wondering if you wanted to meet me there.”

The security blanket that is the Atlantic Ocean disappears, and now Gilbert is officially terrified. He pours every fiber of his being into keeping a happy look on his face and scrambles for an excuse to beg off. He decides to blame work.

“I would love to,” he says, with both honest and dishonest regret in his voice, “but my work schedule for the rest of the year is completely full. I might not even be getting weekends off, so unfortunately traveling for vacation is out of the question.” It’s not untrue that work will be very busy for the next few months, but it’s an exaggeration to say he wouldn’t be able to take a few days off to go to Paris.

The disappointment behind Matthew’s fake smile makes Gilbert want to die. “Ok, no problem. I just thought I would make the offer,” Matthew says, “Maybe next year we can make plans for summer farther in advance.” The false optimism of Matthew's words betrays that there's very little chance he didn't see through Gilbert's lie.

“Yeah. Sorry,” Gilbert says, with more remorse behind the ‘sorry’ than could possibly come across on the call.

“Well, um, I’ll let you go,” Matthew says, apparently feeling the same awkwardness Gilbert is.

“Ok,” Gilbert says, grateful for Matthew ending the conversation. Matthew’s face disappears from Gilbert’s phone’s screen.

Gilbert sets his phone down and runs both hands through his hair in exasperation. All of his worrying about whether he should ever tell Matthew about his previous relationship with Ludwig has turned out to be for naught. Gilbert assumes he just blew the very last of his chances with Matthew.

\--------------------

He’s secretly optimistic that he will hear from Matthew the following weekend, but he doesn’t pretend to be surprised when he hears nothing. His optimism quickly fades as a second, then a third, and then a fourth weekend passes, with no word from Matthew.

He considers reaching out, but then he remembers what he thought from the very beginning: Matthew deserves better than he has to offer.


	12. Sad Tales of Incest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Francis, Antonio, Lovi and Feli visit Gilbert in Berlin.

A couple weeks before Francis and Antonio are due to arrive in Berlin for the friends’ annual August get-together, Antonio texts Francis and Gilbert, _“Don’t kill me, but Lovi and her sister Feli will be flying into Berlin with me… I want to introduce Lovi to my best friends… I had a hard time convincing her to go to Germany at all, so they will only be staying one night before they fly home.”_

Francis’ response is, _“That poor woman. She still hasn’t found anyone better than you?”_

Gilbert contributes to the conversation with a laughing emoji.

 _“You guys are dicks,”_ Antonio texts back, followed by, _“Gilbert, you should invite your brother to hang out with us while Lovi and Feli are there.”_

Before Gilbert can answer, Francis interjects, _“Yes, do that, Gilbert. If the ladies meet only you, they might assume all Germans are assholes.”_

Gilbert retorts with the flipping-the-bird emoji. He then offers, _“You are all welcome to stay at my house, even though Francis doesn’t deserve it.”_

 _“Aww, I love you too, Gilbert,”_ Francis responds sarcastically, along with a heart emoji.

 _“Thank you, Gilbert. I love you, and unlike Francis, I mean it,”_ Antonio adds.

 _“I love you idiots too,”_ Gilbert says.

\--------------------

Despite looking forward to seeing Antonio and Francis, Gilbert wakes up unhappy on the day of their arrival.

The lesser of what’s troubling him is Matthew. It has been six weeks since they last spoke, when he told Matthew a bald-faced lie in order to get out of meeting him in Paris. Feeding Matthew a load of bullshit felt terrible, but he truly feels he had no alternative. He would prefer Matthew thinking he’s a lying asshole to Matthew knowing the truth about his and Ludwig’s past. He believes walking away from Matthew was the right thing to do, but it hurts, as he suspects they could have been really good together, under different circumstances.

What’s really plaguing him, though, is Ludwig, or more specifically, the emotions stirred up by anniversaries of ‘milestones’ in their past relationship. A few weeks ago marked two years since the first time they had sex, and in a turn of unfortunate timing, today is one year to the day since Gilbert and Ludwig ‘broke up.’

Things are going very well between the brothers, all things considered, but they aren’t exactly back to where they used to be. They used to be inseparable, but now they have dinner a couple times a month. Gilbert sees the distance between them as the scar he left on his family.

\--------------------

The plan was for Gilbert to pick his four visitors up from the airport in one run, but Francis sends a text in the morning, _“Flight delayed. I think I can make lunch, but I might be late. I will take a cab. Send me the name and address of the restaurant.”_

 _“Fucking CDG,”_ Gilbert messages back, knowing how notorious Paris' airport is for delayed flights, _“Have a safe flight. See you this afternoon.”_ He then sends the information for the restaurant.

When Gilbert picks Antonio, Lovi and Feli up from the airport, to his surprise, Antonio introduces Lovi as his fiancée. Gilbert briefly wonders if she’s knocked up, but mostly he’s concerned about whether she’s right for his best friend. When he congratulates them, Antonio expresses his gratitude by hugging him and peppering his face with kisses, while Lovi pouts and mutters, “I’m not pregnant, you bastard.” Apparently, that kind of remark is just how Lovi operates, because Antonio and Feli behave like nothing unusual has happened.

Gilbert takes them to his place. They have some time to kill before lunch, so they sit in the living room, talking. Gilbert had forgotten that Antonio is fluent in Italian, and it seems Lovi is fluent in Spanish, though her accent is noticeably different from Antonio’s.

While they talk, Gilbert gets a text from Francis. _“My flight has landed. I might be a few minutes late for lunch, but I will be there.”_

 _“See you there,”_ Gilbert responds.

He then continues to observe Lovi’s interactions with Antonio. He notes that, though she pouts and whines and bickers with him, she seems to genuinely love him; she just suffers from an acute lack of ability to express her emotions properly. Once he figures that out, he feels better about the person his best friend has chosen to marry.

When they get to the restaurant, Gilbert isn’t even mildly surprised to see that his always-punctual brother has beaten them there and is seated at a table large enough to accommodate their party. Antonio and Francis met Ludwig during a visit to Berlin when Ludwig was still in high school, so Antonio greets Ludwig and introduces him to his fiancée and her sister. Lovi seems indifferent, but Feli’s eyes gleam, like Ludwig is the most beautiful thing she’s ever seen. Her reaction makes Ludwig blush, which in turn makes Gilbert laugh under his breath.

Lovi and Antonio take the seats on Ludwig’s side of the table. Gilbert tries to sit on the end, directly across from his brother, to shield him from as much insanity as possible, but Feli beats him to it, so he sits next to her, leaving an empty chair next to him for Francis.

They order drinks and settle into comfortable conversation, though participating is challenging for Gilbert. Being in the same room with Ludwig is worsening his already-sketchy mood. The day Ludwig left him crying on the kitchen floor was one of the worst days of his life, and he’s finding it impossible not to think about it on that day’s one-year anniversary, especially with his brother sitting less than two meters away from him.

Luckily, he doesn’t have to talk to Ludwig much, as Feli has engaged him in conversation. Gilbert tries his best to cheerfully converse with Antonio and Lovi, to keep his mind off his brother.

Before long, Gilbert hears Francis’ voice behind him. “Hello, my beautiful friends. I am so sorry for keeping you waiting.”

Gilbert stands and turns around to greet Francis, and he nearly falls down when he sees that Francis is not alone. Right there, in the flesh, looking twice as gorgeous as Gilbert remembered him, is Matthew. Gilbert told himself he was over any feelings he had developed for Matthew, but seeing him again has irrefutably proven he lied to himself.  

Antonio introduces Lovi and Feli to Francis and Matthew, and Francis congratulates his best friend on his engagement. Gilbert is speechless, so Ludwig introduces himself to Matthew and greets Francis. Everyone takes their seats again, with Matthew taking the chair next to Gilbert, while Francis takes an empty chair from another table and sits at the end, next to Matthew and Lovi.

Matthew is yet another visible reminder of everything that got fucked-up because of the mistakes Gilbert made with Ludwig. Matthew smiles at Gilbert, but when he is met with a confused frown, his smile falls noticeably. Gilbert’s now-paper-thin façade doesn’t hide that he simply is not happy to see him.

Gilbert turns his head away from Matthew, instead opting to gaze at nobody. He tries to tune his ears into what Francis is saying, but all he can hear is a loud ringing in his ears. He is overwhelmed to be sitting at a table with the last two people he wanted to see on what is turning out to be an even worse day than he had anticipated. After a few minutes of staring blankly at the table, Gilbert excuses himself for a smoke.

He walks toward a quiet park a few blocks away, to clear his head. On the way, he gets a text from Ludwig. _“If you trust him, you should talk to him.”_

Gilbert assumes Ludwig is talking about Matthew but wonders why he’s sending this text right now. He gets his answer when he hears footsteps behind him, turns his head, and sees Matthew. He’s not in the mood to talk to anyone, so he ignores him, walks to a shady spot in the grass, and sits down. While he lights a cigarette, Matthew sits down next to him.

Without looking toward Matthew, Gilbert holds out the pack of cigarettes, silently offering one.

Matthew declines, “No, thanks.”

Exhaling a puff of smoke in a sigh, Gilbert looks at Matthew and says, in a voice he’s sure sounds annoyed, “What are you doing here?”

Matthew looks at Gilbert with dispirited eyes. Sounding defeated, he answers, “I came to Berlin to see you, Gilbert. I…” He laughs nervously, perceptibly distressed by Gilbert’s poor response to seeing him. “I have feelings for you. I want to be with you. I hoped you would be happy to see me, but I figured if you weren’t, I would at least force you to reject me in person.”

Gilbert feels bad that he hurt Matthew, but he’s in too foul a mood to apologize or admit the desire to be together is not one-sided, so he says flatly, “You have terrible taste in men. But what I meant was, what are you doing _here_ ,” he taps the ground next to him, “as in, why did you follow me out of the restaurant?”

Sounding a mixture of hurt and concerned, Matthew answers, “You seem like you need someone to talk to.” Trying to sell Gilbert on the merits of talking to him, he continues, “I’m a good listener. I’m not judgmental, and I will never breathe a word of anything you tell me to anyone, especially Francis. Don’t tell him this, but I keep lots of things from him.”

Gilbert considers fulfilling Matthew’s wishes and rejecting him in person, right here and now, but he doesn’t have himself completely convinced that’s the best course of action. Matthew has been a reliable friend, even after being pushed away numerous times. Some part of Gilbert knows he would have to be a fool to permanently cut all ties with someone so understanding and patient.

Plus, honestly, Gilbert trusts that Matthew would keep his secret. If confiding in Matthew goes as well as Matthew seems to believe it will, he will have a friend he can talk to about Ludwig. Worst-case scenario, their friendship will end, with Matthew understanding what he’s known all along: Matthew deserves better.

Sternly, Gilbert advises Matthew, “If I tell you the truth, you’ll hate me as much as I hate me.”

Matthew looks shocked and pained to hear that Gilbert hates himself. “I won’t hate you,” he protests, in a kind voice.

“Yes, you will,” Gilbert counters confidently, warning, “You don’t know how dark my secrets are. If you don’t leave right now, I’m going to tell you the truth. You will find it disturbing, and you will never be able to forget what you hear, no matter how much you’ll wish you could.”

After a minute, Matthew hasn’t budged, so Gilbert gives one final caution, “Last chance to back out.” When Matthew still doesn’t move, Gilbert threatens, “You can’t tell anyone about this as long as you live.”

“I won’t,” Matthew promises.

Gilbert takes a deep breath in and out, to quell his anxiety over the confession he’s about to make, and asks, “You remember the guy I told you about, the one I was in love with and used to sleep with?” Matthew nods, and Gilbert says, “Ludwig.”

It takes a few moments for Matthew to connect Gilbert’s brother’s name to the words that preceded it. Gilbert can see the exact moment the connection is made, because Matthew’s face turns an unhealthy shade of white. Matthew looks like his brain is running on all cylinders, trying to decide what he should say in response. Finally, he speaks. “I think I will take a cigarette, after all.”

Gilbert hands over a cigarette and lighter. Any _‘I-told-you-so’_ satisfaction he gets from Matthew’s stunned face is overshadowed by how ashamed he feels at seeing a normal person’s disgusted reaction to the concept of sibling incest.

Matthew lights the cigarette and takes a couple drags but doesn’t say anything.

Gilbert doesn’t want to launch into potentially volunteering more information than Matthew is ready to hear, so he prompts, “I know you have questions. Ask them.”

Matthew frowns in thought, like he doesn’t know where to start. After thinking it over for a minute, he says cautiously, “Your brother.”

The two words stab Gilbert through the heart with guilt. Using the excuse that Matthew’s words don’t quite have the inflection of a question, he doesn’t respond.

“He’s straight.” Matthew sounds completely perplexed, the inflection of his words again landing somewhere between a statement and a question. The frown doesn’t leave his face as he asks, “You guys are blood-related? You were raised together?”

Gilbert can see that Matthew is searching for justification, or at least an explanation, for a pair of brothers having sex. He has no excuses to offer, but he answers several questions at once. “Ludwig is straight. He and I are full-blooded brothers. We were raised together. We weren’t abused as kids or anything like that. Neither of us was drunk or high at the time. It was adult and consensual.”

Matthew still looks understandably confused. He has difficulty articulating another question. “When… Why… How…?”

Despite the lack of a coherent question, Gilbert gives a concise answer. “It started almost three years ago. Ludwig’s fiancée cheated on him and dumped him a few weeks before their wedding. He came to me for comfort. I was an idiot, and he was too desperate to forget his heartbreak to stop me. We both continued to be idiots for almost two years, though I was the only one idiotic enough to fall in love. He came to his senses and ended it, and I got over him.”

Even without supplying any explicit details, admitting to having carried on an incestuous relationship with his brother makes Gilbert’s stomach twist into knots. What he did to his brother sounded even worse out loud than it ever did in his head. The guilt, regret, shame and self-loathing that had been slowly fading since he reconciled with Ludwig make a screaming comeback. He feels like he might vomit or cry his eyes out, and he has no interest in doing either in front of Matthew.

He puts out his cigarette, stands up, and says sarcastically, “It was lovely sharing a smoke break with you, Matthew.”

Gilbert tries to walk away, but Matthew quickly stands up and grabs his arm, to stop him.

To cover the fact that he’s on the verge of turning into a sobbing puddle, Gilbert rips his arm from Matthew’s grasp and asks, in a raised, angry voice, “What the fuck do you want, Matthew? I’m not going to sit here all day and tell you sad tales of incest, just to satisfy your curiosity.”

Matthew looks like he’s been physically struck by Gilbert’s words.

Gilbert turns and starts walking away again. A raging headache builds from the effort it’s taking him not to cry. He intends to go back to the restaurant, but only because he doesn’t feel right about ditching his brother with his friends. He doesn’t want to go back; He doesn’t think he can handle it.

He stops in his tracks when a soft voice behind him says, “You shouldn’t hate yourself for what happened.”

Gilbert stands there, not turning around, fists and teeth clenched. He thinks, _Yes, I should! I absolutely should hate myself for what I did to my little brother. I’m a horrible person, but I would be an even worse person if I still liked myself, after what I did. What the fuck would you know, anyway? Go sleep with a family member a few times, fall in love with them, and then come back and tell me how I should or should not feel._

Matthew takes a few steps and stands in front of Gilbert.

Gilbert dares to make eye contact. Matthew’s sincerely compassionate face makes his eyes tear up, but he manages to hold back on crying. Matthew slowly extends a hand, taking Gilbert’s hand in his, and some tears escape Gilbert’s eyes. Matthew reaches his other hand out and gently places it on Gilbert’s shoulder. Gilbert sobs. Matthew uses the hand on Gilbert’s shoulder to pull him in for a hug, and Gilbert loses it. He cries into Matthew’s shoulder for several minutes, letting out three years’ worth of pent-up emotions.  

Once Gilbert gets his crying under control, he pulls away from the hug and wipes his eyes and nose. Voice shaky and weak, he says, “Fuck, I hate crying.”

“I knew you needed someone to talk to,” Matthew says sympathetically, “You don’t have anyone to talk to about this, do you?”

Gilbert’s silence answers the question. He hates to admit it, but he feels a little better now. He’s reluctantly grateful to have a friend he can be completely honest with. He makes a mental note to thank Matthew for putting up with his bullshit; he would say it now, but he thinks he might start crying again if he does any more talking about feelings.

Matthew’s phone buzzes in his pocket.

“Francis wondering where we went?” Gilbert guesses.

Matthew checks his phone and says, “Yeah.” Regarding Gilbert’s face with concern, he asks, “Are you ready to go back?”

Gilbert nods and hopes it won’t be too obvious to everyone he’s been crying.

“I’ll let him know we’re on our way,” Matthew says. He types a response to Francis as they walk back to the restaurant.

They walk in silence until they are in front of the restaurant, when Matthew speaks again. “I still want us to be friends. Actually, I want us to be more than friends, but I understand you might not be ready for that, so let’s _just_ be friends. I won’t push, I promise. Take your time, and let me know when you want to give being more than friends another chance.”

Gilbert is baffled by Matthew’s words. “Did you…,” he starts, before he realizes a busy public sidewalk isn’t the best place to have a conversation about incest.

Gilbert leans in close to Matthew, to keep passers-by from overhearing. In a hushed but intense voice, he starts over, “Did you not hear what I told you? I’ve had sex _with my little brother_ , probably a hundred times. I let my _brother_ fuck me on or against every horizontal and vertical surface in the house we were raised in. The best sex I’ve ever had in my life was with my _brother_ , and the biggest heartbreak I’ve ever had was when my _brother_ moved out.”

Standing up straight again, Gilbert finishes speaking at a normal volume, “I am not the kind of person you should be friends with, and I am the last person you should be trying to date. You’re a fucking idiot if you can’t see that you can do better than me.”

Matthew calmly responds to Gilbert’s double-edged insult, “You’re wrong about you.”

With an exhausted sigh, Gilbert asks, “How do you figure?”

“You’re a good person,” Matthew answers sincerely.

Gilbert scoffs bitterly.

“You’re a good person who made a mistake,” Matthew says earnestly, “I can tell you’re a good person because of how bad you feel about your mistake.”

Gilbert is irritated that the same logic he used to try to convince Ludwig that he’s a good person a couple months ago is now being used on him. He knows it makes him a total fucking hypocrite, but he honestly does not believe the same principle applies to him. He thinks Matthew’s youth and idealism are keeping him from seeing him realistically. He concludes the argument with what he considers to be a statement of fact. “You’re naïve.”

Gilbert reaches for the door handle, but Matthew grabs his wrist and keeps him from opening the door. When Gilbert makes eye contact, Matthew has a fiery look in his eyes. He tactfully demands, “Please take me seriously. Please don’t dismiss my feelings for you as being out of naïveté.”

Gilbert knows Matthew doesn’t back down easily, so in the interest of ending a conversation he doesn’t want to be having, he concedes, “We can be friends, but you’ll eventually figure out who I really am.”

“I _already_ know who you really are,” Matthew says, sounding exasperated with how hard Gilbert is fighting accepting his kindness, “I’m sure you only told me the truth in hopes of scaring me away, but all the truth did was make you make more sense to me. I _know_ you’re a good person; _You’re_ the one who sees you through skewed vision.”

Gilbert looks away, shakes his head in disbelief, and opens the door.


	13. Forgive Yourself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Having just confessed to Matthew about his former relationship with his brother, Gilbert continues to struggle through the one-year anniversary of his ‘breakup’ with Ludwig.

When Matthew and Gilbert get back to the table, there’s food on the table in front of their empty chairs, despite their having not been present to order.

As they sit down, Francis explains, “I ordered for you, Matthew, and your brother ordered for you, Gilbert.”

“Thank you, Francis,” Matthew says.

“Thanks, brother,” Gilbert says to Ludwig.

Ludwig nods, then he sends his brother a text message. _“Did you talk to him about us?”_

Gilbert pulls his phone from his pocket and responds, _“Yes.”_

_“Good. And?”_

Gilbert is not thrilled about having this conversation while he’s sitting right next to the person they’re talking about, but he replies, _“And he’s insane. He still wants to be with me.”_

Ludwig has the same worry he had a year ago today. He’s worried Gilbert is going to miss out on love because of their relationship. He shoots a concerned look at his brother, then asks, _“Did you push him away?”_

Gilbert defends himself, _“I’m acting in his best interests.”_

_“How so?”_

Gilbert is so frustrated with this day, he thinks he might start crying again. He shuts the conversation down. _“I am not having this fucking conversation with you over text message, Ludwig.”_

Ludwig knows what he did a year ago is the cause of his brother’s horrible mood and his pushing Matthew away. He already planned to apologize again for hurting Gilbert. He was going to wait until a more opportune time, but considering how bad Gilbert’s mood is, he thinks they need to have a discussion sooner rather than later. He replies, _“Then excuse yourself for another smoke. I’ll join you.”_

Gilbert is beyond stressed-out, having woken up in a bad mood, exacerbated by having to spend the day with his brother and Matthew. He stands abruptly, with no regard for how loudly his chair’s legs scrape against the restaurant’s hardwood floor, and walks out without excusing himself.

The action catches the attention of everyone at the table. Before he follows his brother, Ludwig tells everyone, “Please excuse us for a moment. We have some family business to discuss.”

Ludwig walks out the front door of the restaurant just in time to see Gilbert walk around the corner of the next intersection. He follows and finds his brother sitting on a bench, smoking.

Sounding utterly exhausted, Gilbert asks, “Are you next in line to lecture me about how I’m a good person and just don’t know it?”

Ludwig sits down next to Gilbert and answers, “No. I’m here to apologize. I know we said we were done apologizing to each other, but I remember what I did to you a year ago today, and I want to tell you I’m very sorry I walked out on you.”

Gilbert is ashamed and bitterly disappointed by how much it still hurts. “Today…,” he says, looking down at the sidewalk and shaking his head, “Today, I don’t forgive you.”

Ludwig’s forehead crinkles in empathy and guilt over how much he hurt Gilbert. “I don’t blame you. I’ll count myself lucky if there’s only one day a year you don’t forgive me.”

Gilbert silently smokes his cigarette. There’s so much more he could say, so much he has never told his brother. He isn’t sure Ludwig really understands how much pain he was in every day he was in unrequited love with his brother, every night Ludwig used him for easy sex, every week that passed while Ludwig remained oblivious to his brother’s suffering. But Gilbert won’t tell him any of that. Ludwig is still his little brother, and if all Gilbert has to do to shield him from feeling guiltier than he already does is keep his mouth shut, he’s definitely going to do it.

Ludwig speaks again. “I have something else I need to say to you. I thought I had said everything I could to make things better between us – I apologized to you, and I told you I forgive you – but I failed to say one important thing. I failed to tell you to forgive _yourself_.” He implores, “Please, brother, forgive yourself.”

Gilbert gives a scornful laugh that nearly turns into a sob, then he says in a quiet, shaky voice, “Fuck you, Ludwig.”

Oddly, that prompts a smile from Ludwig, who responds, “I love it when you’re honest with me, brother.” Ludwig puts a comforting arm around Gilbert’s shoulders and continues, “You’ll probably also respond to the other thing I have to say with a ‘fuck you.’ I have never liked any of the guys you dated. They ranged from ‘awful’ to just ‘not right for you.’ But Matthew is different. If what happened between us is the only reason you push him away at every turn like a goddamned idiot, please stop. Please forgive yourself for what happened between us, and give him a chance.”

Gilbert, near tears, laughs and says, “You’re right; I don’t really have any way to respond to that, other than to say, ‘Fuck you, Ludwig.’”

Ludwig laughs. “You say, ‘Fuck you, Ludwig,’ but all I hear is, ‘I love you, Ludwig.’” He tightens the hold around his brother’s shoulders, pulling him closer, and says, with no sarcasm, “I love you too, Gilbert.”

Ludwig is right, of course; Gilbert isn't really mad at him. He’s just having a terrible day. Gilbert leans his head on his brother’s shoulder, and one tear rolls silently down his face.

Looking back, ‘forgive yourself’ was the basic message Matthew was trying to get across as well. It’s unlikely that either Matthew or Ludwig grasp how daunting Gilbert finds the concept of forgiving himself. He holds himself to the harsh end of a double-standard, which says Ludwig didn’t mean to hurt him, so he’s forgiven, but as the older brother, Gilbert should have known better and therefore is undeserving of mercy. Ironically, in perhaps the first-ever case of Gilbert’s bad habit of never saying ‘no’ to Ludwig being beneficial, now that Ludwig has told him to forgive himself, he will probably do it.

Ludwig rests his head against Gilbert’s and takes comfort in the embrace. He knows Gilbert is not having a great day, but he isn’t either. One year ago today, Ludwig found out he was not the good person he thought he was. He had continued to sleep with his brother for months after realizing his reasons for doing so were selfish; He hadn't realized _how_ selfish he was being until his big brother broke down and cried in front of him for the first time in his life. Knowing he caused his brother so much pain struck Ludwig with more guilt than he had ever felt before. He walked out to avoid hurting him further, and it was the wrong choice. The months they spent not speaking were miserable. After how much he hurt his brother, he’s not sure he deserves to have him by his side, but he’s grateful for it.

Gilbert relaxes his tense body against Ludwig’s side. He’s relieved to find his throbbing headache easing up a bit. He didn’t think he was going to make it through lunch in the state he was in.

As he and Ludwig continue to sit on the bench in a partial embrace, it occurs to Gilbert that the two people he least wanted to talk to today were incredibly kind to him, and he probably owes both of them some combination of an apology and thanks. He told Matthew his darkest secret, and Matthew listened compassionately. And Ludwig said the things he most needed to hear, before he was even aware he needed to hear them. Neither man behaved out-of-character; Matthew has never been anything but understanding and patient with him, and Ludwig has always been a good brother, who knows him better than anyone.

Gilbert isn’t good at opening up about his emotions or relying on others. He doesn’t want anyone to think he’s weak. But he’s starting to comprehend that he is better off when he trusts the people in his life who have proven themselves trustworthy.

The brothers stay in their embrace for a couple more minutes, until Gilbert pulls away, worried about the amount of time he has spent away from his friends today.

“Are you ready to go back?” Ludwig asks. Gilbert nods. As they walk back toward the restaurant, Ludwig says, “You were preoccupied, so you might not have noticed, but Feli has sort of latched on to me. Within the first two minutes of conversation, she told me she’s bisexual and sleeps in the nude.”

“What sort of questions were you asking her?” Gilbert teases.

“I didn’t get a single word in edgewise, until she asked me about my sexual preference,” Ludwig answers, frowning at Feli’s lack of boundaries.

Gilbert grins. “Did you tell her your sexual preference is ‘yes, please’?”

Ludwig punches Gilbert in the arm for making a joke that’s in poor taste, considering their previous relationship, but he’s relieved, as making questionable jokes is a sign that Gilbert is feeling better.

Laughing and rubbing the sore spot on his arm, Gilbert offers, “Text me if you need me to rescue you.”

Ludwig laughs. “I might need to take you up on that.” It then occurs to Ludwig that he needs to get Gilbert aligned on the lie he told everyone at the table. “Just so you know, I told everyone you and I were stepping out to discuss family business.”

“Thank you,” Gilbert says, grateful not only for his brother having presence of mind when he didn’t but for being a good brother in general. He adds, “For everything.”

Ludwig’s eyes tear up, and it dawns on Gilbert he might not be the only one having a tough time today. One year ago, Ludwig found out his big brother was in love with him. That can't have been easy for him to hear. Ludwig obviously still feels guilty about walking out on him and breaking his heart. He probably hasn’t forgiven himself any more than Gilbert has forgiven himself. Gilbert feels like a self-centered asshole for failing to have sympathy for his brother today until just now. Stealing his brother’s words from a few minutes ago, Gilbert tells Ludwig, in a kind tone, “Forgive yourself, brother.”

A tear falls from Ludwig’s eye. He wipes it from his cheek and responds, not-entirely-jokingly, “Fuck you, Gilbert.”

Gilbert laughs, and then Ludwig starts laughing. They aren’t so much laughing at their inside joke as they are releasing the day’s tension, relieved to reaffirm that their relationship as brothers survived the damage they inflicted on it. They continue to laugh for a couple minutes, using the laughter to excuse any tears that fall. They collect themselves, and Gilbert asks, “You ready to go back in?”

Ludwig nods.

When they walk back into the restaurant, all eyes at their table, other than Matthew’s, are on them.

“Is everything all right?” Antonio asks, with concern.

After his talk with Ludwig, Gilbert’s mood has improved. He doesn’t even have to fake the smile he gives his friend. “Everything’s fine, thanks.”

The brothers take their seats. They eat their lunches and participate in the conversation, just enough to avoid drawing further attention to themselves. Thankfully, the more-talkative members of their party quickly start some light-hearted conversation that takes the attention off of them.

While everyone talks, Gilbert thinks back on the conversation he had with Matthew and feels bad about what a jerk he was. He will need to find an opportunity to speak to Matthew privately, to apologize for insulting him.

As everyone finishes their meals, it suddenly occurs to Gilbert that the unexpected addition of Matthew to the group means he doesn’t have enough tickets for where they’re headed next. Antonio had asked Gilbert to come up with something fun for the group to do while the Italian sisters are in town, so Gilbert bought tickets for everyone to go up to the observation platform of the iconic Fernsehturm tower.

After further thought, he bets Francis bought a ticket for Matthew. That would explain why Francis texted him recently, asking for specific details about his plans for the group’s visit.

Gilbert asks Francis, “Did you buy an extra ticket for the Fernsehturm?”

Francis gives a sly smile and says, “Of course.”

Gilbert glares at Francis for conspiring with Matthew on his surprise visit.

As the group leaves the restaurant, Feli predictably insists on riding with Ludwig. Antonio and Lovi join her, which leaves Francis and Matthew riding with Gilbert. If Francis has noticed that Gilbert and Matthew haven’t so much as looked at each other since they came back from their ‘smoke break,’ he mercifully doesn’t bring it up during the drive to the tower. Instead, Francis asks Gilbert, “Does your brother need our help escaping Feli, or is he into her?”

Gilbert laughs under his breath. “I’m on standby for brother-rescuing duties.”

“Should we set him up with Matthew’s sister?” Francis asks.

If Matthew’s sister is anything like Matthew, Gilbert is not opposed to the idea. He answers, “You’re welcome to try.”

Gilbert and Francis make small talk for the reminder of the drive, while Matthew sits silently in the back seat.

When they arrive at the parking garage, get parked, and start walking, Gilbert and Francis walk side-by-side, with Matthew trailing them by a number of paces. Gilbert says to Francis, “Can you give us a minute, please?”

Francis nods knowingly and walks ahead. Gilbert stops walking and waits for Matthew to catch up to him. Once he does, Gilbert apologizes, “I’m sorry for being a dick.”

Matthew furrows his brow and thinks for a minute before speaking. “Before I leave Berlin, can you please be honest and let me know if I don’t have a shot at ever having something more with you? I’ve already spent a year chasing you, and I don’t want to keep at it if I’m wasting my time.”

Matthew walks away, and Gilbert can see a simple apology isn’t going to earn him forgiveness; he will probably also need to supply a good explanation for why his behavior has been so erratic today and, honestly, the entire time Matthew has known him. “Wait. Let me explain myself,” he calls after Matthew, adding, “please.”

Matthew stops walking.

Gilbert catches up and quickly decides what he should say. Telling the story of what happened a year ago would be the easiest way to explain himself, so he does just that. “Let me tell you how my day went, one year ago today.

“It was the last day of my vacation in Paris. I checked out of my hotel, met my friends for lunch, said goodbye to them, and flew back to Berlin. The first thing I did when I got home was have mind-blowing sex with the man I loved – for the last time. He said he wanted to stop, and because I’m a dumbfuck, I let the words ‘I’m in love with you’ leave my mouth. He walked out,” Gilbert’s voice breaks as he recalls the painful memory, as clear as if it happened yesterday, “and my life shattered into a million pieces.”

Gilbert can see sympathy on Matthew’s face, so he keeps talking. “Once it got through my thick skull that the person who had walked out was not actually my lover but my…,” he swallows a sob and blinks back tears, “…baby brother, I was devastated. I assumed I was never going to see or speak to him again. I mourned the loss of my only living immediate family.

“Even after we got back on speaking terms, there was still a huge chasm between us. It was months before we felt comfortable doing things we used to do all the time, like hugging and saying ‘I love you’ and calling each other ‘brother.’ That only came after several painful conversations, where I found out my little brother believed he was an awful human being who would never have a family of his own because of what happened between us. My brother is the best man I’ve ever known, and I despise myself for making him believe otherwise.” 

Speaking about his culpability toward his brother gives Gilbert the urge to cry for what seems like the hundredth time today. He digresses, “I’m an emotional wreck.” He then laughs at himself for stating the obvious. “I’m sure you already knew that, but what you don’t know is that I haven’t always been this way. I have cried more in the past three years than I had in the two decades prior.”

He takes a deep breath in and out and gets back on-topic. “I know I’ve been a colossal dickhead, pretty much ever since we met, but in my defense, you keep catching me at my worst. If I hadn’t been over a year into being in love with my brother when we met, who knows how things would have gone? Maybe I would be applying for a Canadian work visa and planning to move in with you right now.”

He wishes he could give Matthew a timeline for when he’ll stop being such a dickhead, but he doesn't trust himself to follow through on any commitments. With full transparency, he admits, “I don’t know when the thought of being in a relationship will stop scaring me shitless. I don’t know when I’ll get over what happened with my brother. I don’t know if I will ever be as in love with anyone as I was with him.”

He holds his empty hands out at his sides, to show how little he has a grasp on and how little he has to offer, and concludes with a genuine apology. “I’m sorry for the way I am. I’m really fucked-up. If what you need is a promise I will ever be ready for a relationship with you, I can’t give it.”

Matthew looks like he’s trying not to cry. He’s obviously disappointed with Gilbert’s reply to his ultimatum. He says in a measured voice, “Thank you for being honest,” and walks away again.

Gilbert sighs deeply and rubs his aching temples. He’s tired of having epiphanies today. He realizes his habit of keeping his feelings hidden only causes more pain later. He kept many secrets from Ludwig during their ‘brothers with benefits’ relationship – his one-sided love, his guilt, and how much what they were doing was hurting him. If he had been even a little bit honest, that relationship might not have ended so badly. And he kept Matthew in the dark about how wounded and unprepared for a relationship he was. If he had been honest from the start, there would have been no need for the conversation they just had, and Matthew’s face might be carrying a smile right now.

He gets the feeling Matthew doesn’t want to be anywhere near him, so he walks a few steps behind him through the parking garage and as they cross Alexanderstrasse. It could be awkward if his friends saw them walking a long way from each other, so Gilbert catches up to Matthew before they get within sight of the rest of their party, who are talking, laughing, and drinking beer at Alexanderplatz.

Gilbert gives Matthew space again, waiting until Matthew finishes standing in line to buy a beer before he does the same. When he gets back to the row of friends, Matthew is sitting on one end; Gilbert sits at the other end, next to his brother.

He distracts himself from thinking about Matthew by watching Ludwig and Feli. She asks Ludwig for a taste of his beer. True to form, he blushes when she puts her lips in the same place his were moments ago. When Feli notices Ludwig’s blush, she giggles and tells him he’s cute, which makes him blush even more.

Gilbert thinks he’s going to have to keep a close eye on Feli. He’s not going to let another woman hurt his brother the way his ex-fiancée did.

Feli’s proficiency at getting Ludwig flustered keeps Gilbert entertained until it’s time to go up the tower. Everyone finishes their beers and piles on to the Fernsehturm’s elevators.

During the ride up, Gilbert feels a hand on his shoulder. To his surprise, he traces ownership of the hand to Francis. His best friend smiles at him and gives his shoulder a reassuring squeeze. Gilbert has another revelation. Francis is still very much his friend. He should have known Francis would never abandon him just because of some tense silence between him and his cousin. That makes three people Gilbert has realized today he can rely on.

When they get to the observation deck, the group unconsciously lines up against the windows in the same order in which they were sitting a few minutes ago, bookended by Matthew and Gilbert. Everyone is engrossed in the breathtaking view of Berlin. Even Lovi is forced to admit the view is, in her words, “kind of cool, I guess.” Gilbert has been up here before, but not in many years. He tries not to give any more thought to his shitty day and enjoys the view instead.

Gilbert jumps in surprise when a shoulder bumps into his. He looks over and sees Matthew giving him a contrite smile.

Matthew apologizes, “I made a bad day even worse by coming to Berlin uninvited. I’m sorry.”

Matthew’s presence made the day more difficult at first, but now that Gilbert has had time to calm down, he appreciates Matthew lending him an understanding, non-judgmental ear and a shoulder to cry on. He gives a tactful response. “You didn’t. You were right; I needed someone to talk to.” Gilbert takes the opportunity to express his gratitude. “Thank you for listening.”

Matthew gives a small smile and nods, and they both look out at the city.

After a minute, Gilbert looks at Matthew again and asks in a cautiously optimistic tone, “Are we still friends?”

Matthew looks at Gilbert with regret-filled eyes. It clearly was not his intention to give the impression their friendship is over. “Of course,” he answers apologetically.

Gilbert nods, and they return to looking out the windows. The view is amazing, but Gilbert has to admit, the man standing next to him is pretty amazing as well. Matthew is good for Gilbert. He’s been patient through multiple rounds of Gilbert being a prick and pushing him away. He gives Gilbert space when he needs it but doesn’t give up on him, even when Gilbert panics and turns into a lying coward. Matthew traveled almost halfway around the world, just to see Gilbert. And he barely flinched when Gilbert dropped the one piece of information he was confident would scare Matthew away from wanting to be more than friends.

Gilbert ponders Ludwig’s words about giving Matthew a chance. He wants to, but the conversation they had not an hour ago ended with him basically rejecting Matthew, and he isn’t confident Matthew is still interested. He’s a little afraid to ask, but he mans up and does it anyway. Breaking the silence, he says, “So…,” Matthew makes eye contact, and Gilbert asks with a cringing smile, “If at some point down the road I think maybe I want to try being more than friends, should I keep the thought to myself? Would telling you just get me punched in the balls?”

Matthew sighs loudly and hangs his head, like Gilbert’s wishy-washiness is starting to take years off his life.

“Ok! Nevermind! Forget I asked,” Gilbert retracts, holding his hands up defensively, “ _Just_ friends. Got it.”

“Wait,” Matthew says, rubbing his forehead. He sighs again and gives Gilbert a dubious frown. After a few seconds, he answers, “If you weren’t just jerking me around, I would want you to tell me.”

Gilbert isn't ready for more right this second, but he thinks he might be tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow he'll hold hands with Matthew, and the day after he'll tell him he's gorgeous, and the day after that he might even kiss him again. He feels like a pussy for fearing anything beyond those small gestures, but the fact that thinking about it isn’t making him hyperventilate means he has made progress. “Please don't give up on me yet,” he humbly asks of Matthew.

A beautiful, genuine smile slowly breaks through Matthew’s frown, and he says, “Ok.”

They go back to enjoying the view of Berlin.

Gilbert’s phone buzzes. He thinks it might be a text from his brother, requesting a rescue from Feli. She has been chattering incessantly at Ludwig about how incredible the view is since the moment she stepped off the elevator. He pulls his phone from his pocket and sees a text from Ludwig, but it’s not a rescue request. It says, _“Holy shit. Did you actually listen to me for once? I think I might faint.”_

Gilbert sarcastically glares at his brother, who is standing next him, stifling a laugh. He smirks and sends the response, _“Fuck you, Ludwig.”_

Ludwig texts back, _“I love you too, brother.”_

Gilbert and Ludwig both laugh out loud. Feli asks Ludwig what’s funny, and Matthew looks at Gilbert, wary but curious about what caused the brothers to simultaneously and apparently spontaneously break out in laughter.

Both men give the same excuse to their companions. “Sorry. Inside joke.”

For the first time today, Gilbert would describe the way he feels as ‘happy.’ He pushes himself outside his comfort zone and slings an arm around Matthew’s shoulders.

Matthew tenses, caught off-guard by the action. With wide, confused eyes, he looks at Gilbert. When he sees Gilbert’s sincere smile, he relaxes and smiles back. He moves closer to Gilbert, and they enjoy the view together.

 

~END~

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A million thank-you’s to everyone who read this strange story of mine, with multiplier bonuses for comments, bookmarks, subscriptions and/or kudos.


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